Lists

I have not been in Colby's room in weeks. This is not by design, but more because I was out of town the last two weeks of December. Today I look at the remains of Colby's life. The remains of his "stuff," as he would have said. There is so much left to sort through. This large pile of his things is about three feet deep and takes up most of the room. There is one narrow path the connects the two doors, which makes it easier to navigate. I don't even think about all the "stuff" that is still in the basement, or in boxes in the kitchen, or the more than 500 books that are on shelves in the dining area.

I can't think where to start so I grab a small box out of an open suitcase and find bits and parts of things. They are black. Mostly. Some silver. All shapes and sizes. Most are small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. Bits of musical gear. Probably. I don't have a clue what to do with them so I drop the box back into the suitcase and stare at the unorganized pile. There is a bit of paper in the suitcase so I fish that out and find our New Year's Eve list for 1994. Each year on New Year's Eve Colby and I always made a list of the top ten things we were grateful for that year.

This would have been the New Year that Colby was nine. We were living with friends. I had been ill that year with a condition I still have to watch closely. But that year, that first year I was sick, was hard. I closed my Music Row office and we had to leave our rented farm outside Nashville. I remember being afraid that Colby wouldn't be able to find too many things to be grateful for that year. But he did. Here they are as he wrote them:
1. Grandma!
2. Mom!
3. Bootsie! (our cat)
4. Food!
5. Pizza!
6. New home!
7. Toys!
8. A new year!
9. God!
10. Animals!

I remember now his enthusiasm for the move, how much he helped when I was having a really tough day. Colby was in counseling then, grieving for a treasured pet who had recently passed. He was also having trouble in school. His learning difference had yet to be diagnosed, but his difficulty in writing, knot tying, ordering, organizing was apparent even then. To compensate, he began acting out. This counselor, the first one he saw, was good. She helped a lot.

I think if Colby could find ten things to be grateful for that year, I should be able to find ten now. It takes me some time to compile the list, mostly because I am still so unfocused. Life for me is like thinking through syrup. I get there, but it takes me some time, time that is uninterrupted, quiet.
1. Friends
2. My home
3. My truck
4. My four-legged friends
5. Work/clients
6. The Internet
7. My cell phone
8. My counselors
9. My support group
10. Time

The list is in no particular order. That is too much to think about right now. But, my life would be infinitely worse, would be completely unmanageable, without any one of the above. I truly need each of those things and am so very glad that I have them. We all take everyday conveniences for granted. Instead, we should treat them as the blessings they are, for not everyone has them.