Goodwill

I have given a lot of Colby's "stuff" to the Goodwill. The most recent load I took over the day before it began to rain here in Nashville. The day before the big flood began. This particular Goodwill was underwater for much of the flood and yesterday when I drove by workers were pulling bins of merchandise out to the sidewalk to dry out. Not much looks salvageable.

I see a big wire bin of stuffed animals and my heart leaps into my throat. One of the boxes I just dropped off had a number of Colby's hats and stuffed animals in it. Not his most favorite "stuffies," those I will always keep, but many stuffed toys he played with and loved greatly. Nine months after Colby passed I was ready for another child to love those toys. I was not ready to see them covered in mud and slime. But I had to know if these damaged toys had once belonged to my son.

I started digging through the bin. I know the Goodwill frequently redistributes donations to other stores. I so hoped that was the case here. The workers looked at me from time to time, but they were busy salvaging what they could so they did not pay too much attention to me. And besides, I was probably not the only crazy person they'd seen that day. I took every stuffed toy out of that bin and each gesture of mine was more frantic than the last. Colby's beloved toys could not be here, water logged and destroyed. They just couldn't. And . . . they weren't.

When I realized that I put the toys carefully back in the bin and sat down on the curb and cried with relief. I was not sure why the safety of his toys was so important to me. I had voluntarily given them away. Wanted to give them away. But, I realized, I did not want them thrown away. I wanted the love Colby had shown those animals to live on in the shining eyes of another child. And maybe they still will.

My hope is that the toys were moved to another store before the flood. That they are safe and dry. Hopefully most are already in the arms of another little boy or girl. I'd like to believe that--have to believe it. For the alternative, for me, is unthinkable.

Chile

My heart aches for the people of Chile, as it does for those in Haiti. So many parents who have lost sons and daughters; the collected grief is almost unbearable. I talk to so many bereaved parents who, like some of the earthquake parents, don't know what actually happened to their sons and daughters. These parents search, day after day, hoping their child survives, hoping their child is safe. There are few happy endings. The "not knowing" adds greatly to the parent's pain.

I feel the panic, loss, despair, panic, sadness, grief these parents in Chile, Haiti, Okinawa and other places feel. I live the unbelievability of no longer sharing the Earth with your child. I wish I had words, answers. I do not. What I do have are strategies to get through the first few hours, days, of disaster and loss. I was there. I lived it. Am still living it. Will always live it. But when my son passed, when Colby passed, I didn't know a lot of the following. I wish I had because it would have helped me get through the first few hours and days.

1. Allow others to do for you. Allow others to help.
2. Be honest in telling others your needs. If you can't get out of bed, don't.
3. Realize that others are grieving, too. Hug them and allow them to hug you.
4. Understand that your child would want you to go on with your life, so do that for them.
5. Get medical attention if you can. The physical symptoms of shock and panic attack are real.
6. Take life one minute at a time. Do not look beyond that as it will be too overwhelming.
7. Breathe. Remember to breathe.
8. When you are able, stay busy. Let your subconscious process the early stages of the loss.
9. Help others as you can. Do it for your child. Make them proud.
10. This is not something you "get over." Over time, you will discover a "new normal" that is your life.
11. Your life is forever changed, but you can, eventually, live a full and worthwhile life.
12. Everyone grieves differently. Accept that and understand the choices of others.
13. Grief is a process. Processing the initial stages of the loss of a child can take years.
14. Grief is circular. There is no right or wrong with grief, It just is where it is.
15. Be kind to yourself. That your child was in a building that fell was not your fault.
16. Believe in whatever spirituality or religion you believe in, then embrace it.
17. Do something wonderful to honor your child's life and memory. Do it every day.

Dilemma

I have a dilemma. Grandparent's Day is just a few days away, this coming Sunday. We just got through Labor Day and here we already have another, albeit small, holiday, and I am not sure what to do.

Colby always sent my mom, his grandma, a card and called her on Grandparent's Day. If I operate on the premise that I am always and forever Colby's mom, then it translates that my mother is always and forever Colby's grandma, even though he has passed away. If that is the case, should I recognize this day by sending her a card, or, would she think that was inappropriate? Should I ask how she feels about it and, in asking, spoil the surprise? If I don't send something, will she think she is being forgotten? Maybe she doesn't feel the same way I do. Maybe she feels that because Colby has passed on that her role as grandma has ended.

You have to understand that my mom was a Marine in World War II. She comes from a different generation, one that doesn't open up about personal thoughts and feelings like we do. For her generation, opening up is a sign of weakness. Typically, when I begin to talk about Colby she changes the subject. She has gotten a little better about this in the past week or so, but it is clear she is not yet ready to really talk about his passing.

So what should I do? I do not want to forget her wonderful time as Colby's grandmother, but I also do not want to send a card she might thing was in poor taste. My decision needs to be made quickly as she lives 900 miles away and I will have to get a card in the mail to her on Wednesday if it is to arrive in time. I'm open to and appreciate greatly any thoughts or ideas any of you might have. Just post a comment or send me an email. Thanks!