Superficiality

Since Colby passed I have trouble running errands, interacting with people. Customer service is such that everyone is trained to ask how my weekend was, if I am having a nice day, how I am doing. Do they really want to hear? I don't think so. A curt "Fine," is all I can manage and I know each of these people think I am unfriendly, rude. But it's all I can do.

Some days I manage more, other days less. It is hard for me to relate to these superficial phrases, Facebook quizzes, Hollywood gossip. These things do not matter. My son is dead. That matters. There are homeless people out there who need help. That matters. Health care, the war in Iraq, cleaning up our environment. Those things matter. Making small talk about my plans for the weekend does not matter. Do they want to hear I am going home to crawl into my bed and cry? Do they want to hear that if I can find the strength I am planning to go through my dead son's papers?

I know each of these people mean well, but when someone is obviously uncomfortable interacting, making conversation, smiling, others should not push. I can't say how many times people at a checkout counter have said, "C'mon, you must be planning something fun." No. I'm not. Or, "Smile, it can't be all that bad." Yes. Yes it is all that bad. In fact, it's worse.

I'm not sure how to handle these superficial people. I realize it is my problem, not theirs. I realize I will get past this, that time will take care of a lot of it. But in the meantime I feel like I might have a meltdown in the middle of the Post Office, the bank, the grocery store. So I limit my outside activities. I wait to run errands until I have a day where I know I can handle it.

In the meantime, to all those I might encounter at the gas station, library, garden store: I will try to be pleasant. If I am distant, please do not push. Please be sensitive enough to realize I am grieving, that I am in a different place than you are, that it is all I can do to even get to your place of business. A pleasant hello, smile and thank you are sufficient for our transaction. Then maybe in a few months, or a year, I'll ask you how your day is going. I'll give you a smile that I really mean. I'll be able to interact with the superficiality our society seems to require. I will. Just not today or tomorrow.