Worry

Since Colby passed I worry about others a lot more than I used to. My mom has dropped a few pounds in recent weeks and I worry, incessantly, that she is not eating enough. I worry that friends do not get enough sleep, that they work too hard. I worry when people I know travel and am afraid they will not arrive safely. I worry about my dog being happy, that my cat is not getting enough exercise.

For years I worried about Colby. When he was a baby I stayed up night after night making sure he was still breathing. In fact, I don't think I've gotten a full night's sleep since he was born. Sleep has been replaced with worry. Did I get everything done that I needed to do? Did I leave anyone hanging with information I promised, yet never delivered? Is the space heater still far enough away from the wall? It that the neighbor shouting? Is everything okay over there?

I worry about others, yet I never worry about myself. I do not know if this is because I subconsciously know there is nothing to worry about, or that I don't care. I have a counselor friend who finds this a little strange. All I know is that when it comes to me, the worst that can possibly happen already has.