Insensitivity

So far today I have six emails that wish my family and me a Happy Thanksgiving. These are from people who know Colby has passed away. These are from people who know that I have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. It is still three days until the actual holiday. I wonder how many more people will be so insensitive?

I am sure that there are still a few "happy" Thanksgivings in my future. 2009 will not be one of them. It is too soon; my emotions are too raw. My grief is too strong. Yes, I have things to be thankful for. Many things, and I give thanks every day. But being thankful and being happy are not the same thing. Not by a long shot.

I understand the people who have emailed me are trying to be kind. But it is good to remember that those of us who have experienced recent tragedy, who have had recent loss, who do not have family to spend holidays with, will not celebrate the day in the traditional way. We no longer have the option of joining hands with our relatives around a table laden with food. We experience Thanksgiving differently. I have asked others who are grieving, who have no family left, how they spend their holidays. Some hole up with a book, some stay under the covers in bed. Others go for a walk, watch movies, work, clean house––whatever it takes to endure the day, to get through it, to be thankful it is over. Some, those whose grief is not so new, fresh, raw, join with other "only" people, those who have no family, and celebrate the day. Someday that will be me. I look forward to that.

Colby's passing is a good reminder that some people celebrate holidays in non-traditional ways, not because they want to, but because, for them, there is no other choice. 

Birthday

Today is Colby’s birthday. Today, he would have been 24. Via phone, mail, and email I receive many birthday wishes for Colby from my support group and from friends. I so wish he were here; would give anything for him to be here. But he is not. I have given much thought to the various ways I can remember his birthday and decide the best thing I can do is file incorporation papers for Colby’s Army, the nonprofit organization founded in Colby’s memory.

Soon, Colby’s Army will present a united front to educate and encourage people to affect positive change in animal welfare, the environment, and personal development. These were all things Colby felt strongly about, and in these areas he hoped to change the world. Collectively, through Colby’s Army, maybe we can accomplish that on his behalf. In coming weeks, as things progress, I’ll post more information.

In addition to getting Colby’s Army off the ground I spend a few minutes at the spot where Colby passed. I bring Abby (our dog) and she looks pleased to be here. This is her first time at this spot and she wags her tail the entire visit. I think of Colby’s past birthdays and especially one of his favorites, when he had a party at Chuck E. Cheese. He was seven or so, and had one of the best times of his life. More recently we’d eat sushi in honor of his birth and talk of good times spent together.

Now, I take a few moments to sort through more of his “stuff,” as I do every day, Within a minute I find an envelope filled with birthday cards from Colby’s grandma and from me. He had saved every one. How ironic that I would find this today, of all days, the day of his birth. The cards are all humorous, and some are worn, as if he had looked through them over the years. I sit with the cards spread out around me and sort them by years. Most are easy to figure out. I guess on a few. Then I carefully store the cards with Colby’s writings and song lyrics, knowing that I, too, will treasure them for many years to come.