Interpretations

I have a great counseling session today. This, along with talking to my psychiatric friends helps me piece together some possible meanings of my dreams. If nothing else, the following has given me a lot to think about, especially as I do not disagree with any of it. Scroll back to earlier posts if you need a refresher on the dreams. Most are within the last few weeks.

1. In each dream Colby is in some way helping me. That thought brings me a lot of comfort.

2. The small pieces of red color in each dream can indicate that I have unresolved anger. I do not feel angry, but it might be because I won’t admit to myself that I am, indeed, quite angry. The dreams could be my brain's way of trying to deal with that.

3. I have people helping me in each dream. So, even though I am virtually alone as far as family is concerned, the dreams shows that I have many people who have, and will, assist me when I need it.

4. In each dream Colby has either been happy or peaceful. That, too, is comforting.

5. In the most recent dream, the one with my “twin,” the twin could represent another side of myself.

6. That my twin is trying to kill me could represent my internal struggle as I come to terms with Colby’s passing.

7. When I wrap leather around my wrists and ankles in that same dream, it might mean that horses are essential to my survival. There is a lot of leather associated with horses and the accompanying equipment.

8. The gray color that is in all the dreams can mean a denial of emotion, or it can indicate depression.

9. The brown could mean that I have unanswered questions, or that I am in denial, or it could mean I am yearning for things to get back to basics.

10. Yellow is a sign of intellect and focus, and the yellow headbands in the “twin” dream could mean I am trying to figure things out.

11. That I see Colby in each dream wearing light blue or white might indicate hope, healing and spiritual awareness.

12. The green grass I see in each of my dreams and the green sweaters in the twin dream might show my need for healing, balance and harmony.

13. That I chose to protect myself in the twin dream might indicate my survival instinct is kicking into gear.

14. When I “buried” Colby half way in the most recent dream, it could mean I am in the middle of holding on to him and letting go.

15. The animals in my dreams show my strong connection to them, and they to me.

16. That my twin showed supernatural powers when she turned into Spiderwoman, along with my ability to leap over fences in the dream, possibly is a sign of mental strength.

Colors

Early in my counseling I am asked the color of my grief. I immediately say both yellow and purple. These are the colors that first came to mind, but not bright yellow or a bright purple, more a deep yellow-gold and a dark purple, what some would call a dark shade of eggplant. I realize these are unusual colors so I think about it for a week, only to confirm my initial reaction.

Lately, I give the colors more thought. I conclude the dark purple comes from the Easter services and my Catholic upbringing. Death and rebirth. Lots of symbolism there. I haven't had time to figure it all out yet. The yellow gold to me represents heaven, angels, royalty, spirituality.

Last week I am again asked the question. "What color is your grief?" The first thing that comes to mind this time is black. Deep, solid, unpenetrable black; a dark abyss; a black hole of loneliness, sadness, despair. After a week, my answer remains the same. Now, I ponder the difference between the first set of colors and the last. It is easy for me to see that the first set represents Colby. The second represents me.

My grief is a black hole, a huge black hole, but around the edges there are other colors. Thin uneven lines, partial lines and strips of colors. The colors swirl, move, appear and disappear, mix and separate; and are constantly in motion, forming and reforming. It is windy at the edge, but I am a short distance away. I do not feel in danger of falling, or being blown, into the dark vortex. But, I am fascinated by the swirling colors and peer intently at them trying to discern shapes, paths, clues, direction, guidance. So far I am unsuccessful in this. But I feel the answer is there, developing, ready to burst forth at some as of yet undetermined moment.

This is not a dream or a vision, but more of a feeling, a knowing. I wish Colby were here to talk with about this. He would have some fabulous perspective, thought, idea I have not considered, and without him, will probably never consider. Today is a day I feel his absence deeply. But when I think of my colors, they indicate Colby is in a better place and is not in pain. That thought helps as I watch my swirling mass of colors, and wait.