Finder

Colby was the finder in our family. If anything was lost, he would come in, send a sweeping glance across the room and spot the missing item in an instant. Either that or he knew my mother and me so well that he'd instinctively know where we put things. The finding didn't extend to his own items, just ours, but it was a talent he developed early and he became our official "finder" well before he entered kindergarten.

I can't possibly recall the number of times he found my glasses, my cell phone, my keys. When I get tired I tend to put things in strange places: the cell phone in the freezer, my glasses in the laundry basket. Since Colby's passing I have been very careful not to get over tired, or at least be aware of my low energy level. Last night when I got home after several days on the road, I was apparently more tired than I realized. I opened the front door with my keys and they have not been seen since. I have spent more than 24-hours looking for them and know now that it will take more than just my eyes to find them, if they are even here. It is possible I placed them on the bumper of a truck and when it drove off, it took my keys with it. I just don't know.

I hate this tired, scattered feeling. I hate not being organized, efficient. I let a lot of people down today because I could not keep commitments I made to them last week and now I will let others down tomorrow. If I can't find my keys it will be at least a day's job to go through the logistics and expense of replacing them. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I just slip further and further behind. I hope that a good night's sleep puts it all in perspective. I hope that I miraculously develop some of Colby's finding ability. I hope tomorrow is a much easier day.

Lost

I think I am doing well in my grief counseling sessions. It helps, these sessions, because I learn to look at things from other angles, and I gain perspective. My grief counselor points out that I have spent my entire adult life helping others, taking care of others. I am a nurturer, but I have forgotten how to take care of myself. Or, maybe I never knew how.

I do not talk about the feeding/bathing kind of taking care, but the nurturing care that I am drawn to do for others. Even animals. Horses. I take care of all my four-legged friends, but I never take time off. I have not had a vacation in more than 30 years. I rarely attend social events or go to lunches or dinners unless they are work related. I have tried, as my counselor suggested in one of my early sessions, to take a few hours or an afternoon to do something fun, for me. Although I have given it a lot of thought, I have no idea what that might be.

Some of this stems from the fact that for many years, unless I worked 70-80 hours a week Colby and I did not eat. We came home once or twice a year to find the electricity had been turned off and I couldn't always get it turned back on right away. That is the downside to working for myself. Clients don't always pay and when they do, the checks sometimes bounce.

The upside was I got to go to classroom parties when Colby was in elementary school. I was a cub scout leader. In eight years, I attended all but one of his baseball games and only missed two practices. That was the positive trade-off for financial instability and I would not change a thing about that.

But, the result is that in a way I have lost myself. I know myself in work situations. That has not changed. That is my comfort zone, safe. In trying to go forward with this "new normal" that is life without my son, however, I am not sure. I really don't know what I like to do. People ask if I like movies or music and I honestly do not have a clue. Before, if I did anything outside of work it was with Colby. There were several restaurants we enjoyed and lots of thrift stores we liked to explore. I can't yet conceive of going to any of those places without him. Someday, hopefully, I will try.

For now, I am still going through all of Colby's "stuff." Down to 3/4 of one bedroom and most of the basement. Progress! I still have to catch up with work. At some point I will take time to try out the concept of "down time." Leisure hours. But not yet. Not today. There is too much to do. But soon. I promise. Soon.