Map

In my dream I am up in the sky looking down on the United States. The entire country is perfectly flat and the color of cream. The land has a hard laminate surface and all of the land is elevated about a foot from the flat, motionless, dark green ocean that surrounds it. The country also has a red border around it.

The cities are marked with a small red circle and dark green type, and the roads are all the same size, designated by dark green squiggles. No road on this map is straight and many end in a dead end. As I watch, I see myself, a cartoon figure driving east in a black convertible. It doesn't seem strange that I am both in the sky and on the ground.

I am watching from such great height that my car and I are about as big as the end of a pencil. But I can see that my hair is black and pulled back into a pony tail. I am driving through what in real life is probably Missouri. The town I have most likely just driven through, the town just to the west of my car, is labeled Lost. I am halfway between it and Confused. To the north is Disoriented and to the south is Stuck. I watch as I stop at a crossroads between all of the towns and turn the car off. I know that I am looking for Colby but I have no clue which direction I should go. I climb into the back seat and sit on the top of the seat back. My feet rest on the center of the sitting part of the seat. Neither of my selves feel anxious. After a time I climb back into the driver's seat, start the car and put it in gear. Before I drive off I turn to my right and smile and wave at myself in the sky. I wake up before I know where I am going.

Decisions

I have trouble making decisions. It's as if my brain is so crammed full of stuff that one more thing, like a decision, will make it explode. Last week I had Internet connectivity issues. Rather than deal with it directly it took me three days to decide to call my service provider. Then it was another three days in figuring out what they were telling me to do. Long story short, I have lots of blogs posts that have not been posted. I will catch up this week, I promise. Sincere thanks to all of you who called or emailed to check on me. It's nice to know so many of you are reading this, that so many of you do care.

My counselor friend suggests I put off making any decision that is not urgent. Stop with the sorting of Colby's stuff, for now. I do not need to make those decisions today. Or tomorrow. Another suggestion is to not put myself in situations where I have to make a lot of decisions. If I have to go somewhere and someone else can drive, let them.

It is amazing all the decisions we each make every day, every hour. What to eat, what to wear, what to do, who to call, which way to go. The decisions are endless, and right now for me, overwhelming. My support group people and counselors all tell me I am right where I should be in my grief process. I am four months into a three-year deal and that is just for Phase 1. So no unnecessary decisions. I'll see how it goes.

Decisions

I can't make decisions. What to wear, what to eat, what bills to pay. It's beyond me. So many choices is overwhelming. Then I feel bad because these are simple, everyday tasks that I should be able to do, have always been able to do. Easily. But I can't. I just can't.

I find myself putting off the most minor of decisions, then, because I wait too long I am forced into a choice. Lately I have been choosing poorly. I eat things I shouldn't because I can't figure out what to buy in the store, so I buy nothing. Then, out of hunger, I find the nearest, quickest, easiest place for food and it is inevitably junk. I wear clothes that have not been washed because I can't decide if there are enough light colored clothes to bother with separating them from the dark ones. Putting off decisions makes my life easy in the short term, but causes big problems long term. I must find a way to break these decisions down, to give myself a time limit, to once and for all go one way or the other. Decisions.

Part of the problem is that I so badly want to do the right thing. I have some big decisions looming. I do not have to make them today, or tomorrow or even next month, but they do have to be made. What would Colby do? I have an obsessive need to know his thoughts, his ideas. I need quiet time to think but if I don't stay busy, if I allow myself one inch of breathing space, then I begin to cry. I lose focus. I begin to panic.  The trick is to put each decision off as long as possible before it is too late for that decision. Each day, each hour, each minute, brings me closer to being in a frame of mind where I can make good, educated decisions. And that, my friends, is my decision for the day.