Health

I haven't been taking care of myself. For years I adhered to a special diet and I have not been doing that since Colby passed. It has been hard enough just to remember to buy groceries, much less the correct groceries. Then eating them is an entirely different matter. It's not that I don't want to eat correctly, it's that I have not been able to focus enough to do so.

Eating right for me is different than for most people. I have a chronic illness that is controlled by diet and I have a genetic predisposition to heart issues. I have had close family members pass away at very early ages from massive heart attacks. My blood pressure is very low, which is good, but my triglycerides are somewhat high, which is not so good.

This week I had a bad asthma attack. Knowing that for me this is a symptom of other things going on, I had blood pulled. The results were not terrible, but they were not good either. Compared to other people, I still have very good eating habits. I rarely eat either fast food or "junk." But balancing the dietary needs of my illness along with the needs of keeping my triglycerides down is a delicate matter. Colby was always great about reminding me, based on what I'd already eaten that day, to eat a little more protein, or something with little salt. This is just one of the many areas of my life that is empty without Colby. Today, after a dietary review my doctor said, "It's almost as if you want to die."

The words stun me. I wonder if, subconsciously, that is what is happening. Or, is it that life is still so overwhelming? I do not know, and add it to my growing list of things to ponder. I do know that Colby would want me to take care of myself. I have many things yet to do, and one of them is ensuring that Colby and the things he stood for, the things that were important to him, will never be forgotten. To do that I have to be healthy. To be healthy, I have to closely monitor what I eat.

My doctor suggests joining sparkpeople.com. It's a free site where you can track your food intake and it automatically gives you the nutritional breakdowns. You can customize just about everything and it also gives you video demos of suggested exercises and fitness plans. I signed on and we will see. So far it has been a real eye-opener. I have already learned that even though I thought I was doing well in my specialized diet before Colby passed, I really wasn't. While I won't do this for me, I will do it for Colby. For his memory. For his beliefs. Colby was too good a person to go unremembered, and the world will be a better place if Colby's ideas on the environment, animal welfare, and human dignity are embraced by many.

Food

Yesterday I ate a meal. This was the first meal I've eaten since Colby passed. This isn't to say I haven't eaten, but until yesterday I just picked at food. I lost 12 pounds the first 4 days, then have steadily dropped since. I gave up stepping on the scale at when I was down 16 pounds. A friend who is also a psychologist tells me there is a medical term for this. It is called the "grief diet." It wasn't that I wasn't hungry or that I didn't want to eat. I just couldn't swallow.

On Saturday, August 29, the Bellview Masonic Lodge in Bellevue, TN will host a pancake breakfast from 7-11 am in Colby's honor. I was so touched when I heard they wanted to do this. Colby had studied the Mason's a lot and thought a lot of them. If you are in the Nashville area, I know Colby would have loved a big turn out. There is more information on the main page of his website at www.ColbyKeegan.info.