Holidays

Today I buy a card for my mom, write a note in it and send it to her for Grandparent's Day. It takes me an hour to write three lines and I cry the entire time. Colby should be here to do this and some part of me can't fathom that he's not. I'm not sure how I will get through another "holiday" less than a week after the last one. I do not want to become one of these embittered people who hate celebrations, hate holidays, but I can see how easily one could become a person like that.

Holidays and celebrations are for people with families. Colby's passing is so new, so raw, that I try not to feel jealous, devastated, enraged, bitter, overwhelmed, when people this week show me photos of their children, grandchildren; when they tell me they ate lunch at their grandchild's school; when they say what a great parent their son, daughter, is. Those are all activities I had looked forward to; now they are things I will never do.

I try to be happy for them, proud for them, to share their joy, but I am still so overwhelmed with grief I don't even come close. The key for me is to stay busy, to work, to be physically active, so I get on Colby's bike and pedal, pedal, pedal through the neighborhood. My brain is quickly consumed with curbs, dips, humps, speed bumps, traffic, dogs. I ride up and down hills until I am completely exhausted, until my legs are shaky, until my bum knee aches. After, I feel better. I feel guilty for my earlier mood, for that is not normally my nature.

The next big event is September 30, Colby's birthday. That gives me 21 days to figure out a way to get through the day. By then I am sure to have come up with something positive and productive I can do in honor and memory of my son.

Dilemma

I have a dilemma. Grandparent's Day is just a few days away, this coming Sunday. We just got through Labor Day and here we already have another, albeit small, holiday, and I am not sure what to do.

Colby always sent my mom, his grandma, a card and called her on Grandparent's Day. If I operate on the premise that I am always and forever Colby's mom, then it translates that my mother is always and forever Colby's grandma, even though he has passed away. If that is the case, should I recognize this day by sending her a card, or, would she think that was inappropriate? Should I ask how she feels about it and, in asking, spoil the surprise? If I don't send something, will she think she is being forgotten? Maybe she doesn't feel the same way I do. Maybe she feels that because Colby has passed on that her role as grandma has ended.

You have to understand that my mom was a Marine in World War II. She comes from a different generation, one that doesn't open up about personal thoughts and feelings like we do. For her generation, opening up is a sign of weakness. Typically, when I begin to talk about Colby she changes the subject. She has gotten a little better about this in the past week or so, but it is clear she is not yet ready to really talk about his passing.

So what should I do? I do not want to forget her wonderful time as Colby's grandmother, but I also do not want to send a card she might thing was in poor taste. My decision needs to be made quickly as she lives 900 miles away and I will have to get a card in the mail to her on Wednesday if it is to arrive in time. I'm open to and appreciate greatly any thoughts or ideas any of you might have. Just post a comment or send me an email. Thanks!