Repetition

I say the "D" word today. In conversation this morning when someone asks about my family I say my son is dead. The word shocks me into silence. I have never used it before. I have always said Colby has passed on or passed away. I am not sure why I say it because I do not believe Colby is dead, at least not in the spiritual sense. I do understand Colby is no longer here with us physically, but I also believe his spirit is still alive. So in that sense I believe it is wrong to use the "D" word. So why did I use the word dead?

Saying Colby is dead opens a floodgate in my brain. All I can think about for the rest of the day is; "My son is dead." "My son is dead.""My son is really dead." I am out of town, at a conference. I smile and greet people from behind the safety of my booth. The physical barrier of the table in front of me keeps me from panicking. I do not feel crowded. To the people who stop at my booth I make pleasant conversation, but my brain is stuck on the four word phrase;  "My son is dead." "My son is dead." My son is dead." "My son is dead."

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. I do not know if this is a breakthrough or a setback. Do I feel, cleansed, renewed, sadness, relief? I do not know. I am back in the numb phase. I have also lost my phone. I should feel disconnected. But I don't. I don't feel anything. That's probably good. I hope my brain shuts down tonight. I am tired. That I do feel. I also hope I find my phone. But if not, I don't really care. Not tonight, for I am still trying to process that my son, my precious baby boy, is really and truly gone.