Faith

Whether or not you believe, everyone has some kind of faith in something. Whether is it a faith and belief in God, or humanity, or simply that you know the sun will come up tomorrow, we all have faith that certain things are unquestionably true. Then tragedy hits and you no longer know what is and is not fact. My faith has been tested constantly since Colby passed, to the point that I am no longer sure what I believe. Everything I knew to be true in this world has proved to be false. Over and over I question, waiver, wonder. Why?

Is Colby in a better place? Was his passing ordained, predetermined? Was this part of a master plan or did it just happen? Why? Are we all just here with no direction? Turned loose like a pack of wild dogs to fend for ourselves? Or are we supposed to learn, help, do, grow? Why, really, are we here? What was Colby's purpose? Did he have a purpose? If so, did he fulfill it? Is that why he had to go? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do now?

Everyone has questions. Some are answered, some are not. When life-changing events hit, those questions that are unresolved surface, swirl, and settle, sometimes into a new pattern, a new reality; sometimes back into the old. I am in the middle of a big swirl of questions, feelings, emotions. I can't see how this will all resolve and that, right now, is unsettling, almost disturbing. I have no path, no direction, no sense that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

My only truth these days is that I get up every morning and stumble through the day in the desperate hope that one day soon, all will be a little clearer, my path a little less foggy, my questions about Colby answered in my heart. I do have faith that day will come. I just hope it is soon.