Stress

The process of grieving is tiring. I wake up every morning exhausted and wish I could take a day, or two, and just stay under the covers. Stay in bed where I can sleep, rest, where I can restore my energy, revive myself for the coming day of grieving. But I can't. I have work I must do. I get up feeling so tired that I must have the flu, mustn't I? But I don't. I just have grief.

Grief for one's child is ever present. I round a corner or see a flash of something that triggers a memory and even though I am engrossed in something else, the grief comes flooding back in. You never know when it will overcome your being, so you are always on edge, always getting ready to prepare for the avalanche of emotion, of loss. I never feel relaxed. I am afraid that if I do, the grief will choose that specific moment to overtake me and I will never find my way out of it. I am still shell-shocked with loss. It has been eight months.

Doctors have long recognized that stress can trigger illnesses. Dr. Richard Rahe, an expert on stress-related illness, developed a test to rate events that can cause stress. The higher your score, the greater risk of stress-related illness. The Rahe Test is also used to determine disease susceptibility. A score of 150 or less means you have a 37% chance of becoming seriously ill. Between 150 to 300, risk jumps to 51%. Over 300 and there is an 80% chance of serious illness in the next two years.

The death of a child is the single biggest stressor on the list. My score was 559. That in itself is stressful. Plus, due to pre-existing conditions, current health insurance guidelines deem many parts of my body (other than accidents) un-insurable. You know, I think I will just go back to bed.