The process of grieving is tiring. I wake up every morning exhausted and wish I could take a day, or two, and just stay under the covers. Stay in bed where I can sleep, rest, where I can restore my energy, revive myself for the coming day of grieving. But I can't. I have work I must do. I get up feeling so tired that I must have the flu, mustn't I? But I don't. I just have grief.
Grief for one's child is ever present. I round a corner or see a flash of something that triggers a memory and even though I am engrossed in something else, the grief comes flooding back in. You never know when it will overcome your being, so you are always on edge, always getting ready to prepare for the avalanche of emotion, of loss. I never feel relaxed. I am afraid that if I do, the grief will choose that specific moment to overtake me and I will never find my way out of it. I am still shell-shocked with loss. It has been eight months.
Doctors have long recognized that stress can trigger illnesses. Dr. Richard Rahe, an expert on stress-related illness, developed a test to rate events that can cause stress. The higher your score, the greater risk of stress-related illness. The Rahe Test is also used to determine disease susceptibility. A score of 150 or less means you have a 37% chance of becoming seriously ill. Between 150 to 300, risk jumps to 51%. Over 300 and there is an 80% chance of serious illness in the next two years.
The death of a child is the single biggest stressor on the list. My score was 559. That in itself is stressful. Plus, due to pre-existing conditions, current health insurance guidelines deem many parts of my body (other than accidents) un-insurable. You know, I think I will just go back to bed.
Showing posts with label health care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health care. Show all posts
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Papers
Today I go through a mountain of papers. Why do I never throw anything away? One filing cabinet is filled with medical records, insurance forms; and correspondence between myself, and doctors, and the aforementioned insurance companies. The files start with Colby's upper respiratory infections and strep, and move to asthma (age 3) and to his sulfa allergy. That happened when he was five. Colby was prescribed a sulfa drug for strep and became partially paralyzed from the waist down. That was a little scary. Fortunately the effects only lasted about five days.
Then we move to depression (age 8), anxiety and behavior difficulties in school (age 10), the diagnosis of dysgraphia, a learning difference that affects writing, math calculation, organization and knot tying (age 11). At 12 there were panic attacks and at 15, anorexia (yes, boys get that, too). There was also mood disorder at 15 and that's when the long-term hospital stays began. A week here, ten days there, a month, four months. From 17 to 18 he rallied some, was on regular meds, had good medical care. Then the diagnosis of schizophrenia and the cancellation of not just his insurance policy, but the closing of the entire division of that insurance company.
Now I see the applications for new insurance and all the rejection letters. There are a ton of them, one from every major insurance carrier in the state, and they all say variations of the same thing. "Due to pre-existing conditions . . ." "Because of extensive hospital stays . . ." "Considering the mental instability . . ." "Because of the . . ."
After that I find receipts where I paid out of pocket for what I could. The amount of money spent is staggering. But it wasn't enough. I could not afford the more expensive testing they wanted to do, the hospital stays, and because of this Colby's mental state deteriorated. I couldn't get him to go to the dentist, to walk into the doctor's office. If I had known then what the future held I would have sold my house, lived in the truck, done anything. Anything . . .
I keep some of the papers, throw most of them away. The papers fill a large trash can and clean out the majority of the filing cabinet. I refill the space with Colby's autopsy report, findings from the attorney who looked into his death, and information from his celebration of life. The drawer is, once again, full.
Then we move to depression (age 8), anxiety and behavior difficulties in school (age 10), the diagnosis of dysgraphia, a learning difference that affects writing, math calculation, organization and knot tying (age 11). At 12 there were panic attacks and at 15, anorexia (yes, boys get that, too). There was also mood disorder at 15 and that's when the long-term hospital stays began. A week here, ten days there, a month, four months. From 17 to 18 he rallied some, was on regular meds, had good medical care. Then the diagnosis of schizophrenia and the cancellation of not just his insurance policy, but the closing of the entire division of that insurance company.
Now I see the applications for new insurance and all the rejection letters. There are a ton of them, one from every major insurance carrier in the state, and they all say variations of the same thing. "Due to pre-existing conditions . . ." "Because of extensive hospital stays . . ." "Considering the mental instability . . ." "Because of the . . ."
After that I find receipts where I paid out of pocket for what I could. The amount of money spent is staggering. But it wasn't enough. I could not afford the more expensive testing they wanted to do, the hospital stays, and because of this Colby's mental state deteriorated. I couldn't get him to go to the dentist, to walk into the doctor's office. If I had known then what the future held I would have sold my house, lived in the truck, done anything. Anything . . .
I keep some of the papers, throw most of them away. The papers fill a large trash can and clean out the majority of the filing cabinet. I refill the space with Colby's autopsy report, findings from the attorney who looked into his death, and information from his celebration of life. The drawer is, once again, full.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Statistics
As many of you know, my son Colby had several mental illnesses and passed from a drug overdose. So many people focus on the drug issue and yes, it was a big factor. But what most people do not realize is that a good percentage of drug users also have either a diagnosed or an undiagnosed mental illness such as depression, bi-polarism, panic disorder, etc. Here are a few interesting statistics from a presentation by Don McVinney, MSSW, M.Phil., ACSW, C-CATODSW, CASAC at a recent Harm Reduction Psychotherapy and the Treatment of Dual Disorders Northern California -Kaiser Permanente Conference:
37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users also have at least one serious mental illness
Of all people diagnosed with a mental illness, 29% abuse either alcohol or drugs
As many as 50% of the mentally ill population are reported to have a substantial substance abuse problem
Axis I Disorders: (mood, anxiety, psychotic disorders) are 4 times more prevalent among alcoholics than non-alcoholics
Mood Disorders alone are two times more prevalent among alcoholics
Axis II Personality Disorders: (paranoia, schizophrenia, antisocial, etc,) are diagnosed in 65% of opiate addicts
Colby had diagnoses of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, paranoia, and schizophrenia. Yes, he died of a heroin overdose. But, so many people do not consider mental illness as a reason for drug use. Not all drug users are mentally ill, but you can see by the statistics that a good number of them are. Mental illness has such a stigma. Would people think differently of someone if, rather than a drug overdose, they had passed from a heart illness, or a liver illness? Sadly, I think they would. The difference is that a heart ailment or a liver ailment usually does not cause people to behave differently. A mental ailment does.
37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug users also have at least one serious mental illness
Of all people diagnosed with a mental illness, 29% abuse either alcohol or drugs
As many as 50% of the mentally ill population are reported to have a substantial substance abuse problem
Axis I Disorders: (mood, anxiety, psychotic disorders) are 4 times more prevalent among alcoholics than non-alcoholics
Mood Disorders alone are two times more prevalent among alcoholics
Axis II Personality Disorders: (paranoia, schizophrenia, antisocial, etc,) are diagnosed in 65% of opiate addicts
Colby had diagnoses of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, paranoia, and schizophrenia. Yes, he died of a heroin overdose. But, so many people do not consider mental illness as a reason for drug use. Not all drug users are mentally ill, but you can see by the statistics that a good number of them are. Mental illness has such a stigma. Would people think differently of someone if, rather than a drug overdose, they had passed from a heart illness, or a liver illness? Sadly, I think they would. The difference is that a heart ailment or a liver ailment usually does not cause people to behave differently. A mental ailment does.
I mention this in the hopes that those of you who have loved ones who have a mental illness will keep a closer eye on them. I mention this in the hopes that those of you who are medical professionals will consider that the patient who presents as a drug user is using because he or she is mentally ill. And, I hope those of you who work in health insurance will consider that many, not all, but many, of the people who are either mentally ill or addicted can be helped if you will only offer them health care coverage. Give them a year, rather than 28 days, to recover in the knowledge that many of these people can be (and want to be) productive menbers of society.
People who are recovering from cancer or from heart surgery typically have more than 28 days to recover. So please offer that same courtesy to those who are addicted and mentally ill.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Insurance
Today I get three emails from parents whose sons have stories similar to Colby's. My heart aches for them. For like me, over the years they each spent tens of thousands of dollars on medical and mental health treatment. These parents live in three different states, yet for various reasons their sons were not able to get the mental health help they needed, so instead, like Colby, these boys turned to drugs.
Colby first began counseling for mental illness when he was 8. He was in counseling again for another year when he was 10, and again at 12 and from then on it was a constant until his insurance benefits ran out when he was 18. When he was 14 he was hospitalized for two weeks with anorexia. At 15 he was diagnosed with obstructive defiant disorder and was hospitalized for 7 weeks. At 16 he spent 4 months in a group home. By age 17, in addition to the above, he had been diagnosed with panic attacks, paranoia, anxiety and depression. At 21, schizophrenia, a condition that runs on my grandmother's side of the family, was added to the list. When my savings and ability to pay ran dry my mother sold stocks and depleted her retirement. Every dollar we had went to pay for Colby's health care.
The other parents tell me that like Colby, while there was still some insurance to help cover the exhorbitant costs of testing, counseling, residential treatment, medication, outpatient treatment and more, their sons were able to function, to maintain, to be productive despite tremendous odds. One child was bi-polar; another, like Colby, had schizophrenia; the third suffered from paranoia. But once their health care stopped, all of them began making poor decisions, and each began a fatal downward spiral.
I recently went to a meeting of the National Alliance on Mental Illness and learned that more than 50 percent of people who use drugs have a diagnosed mental illness. So you have to think: which came first, the drugs or the mental illness? In talking with these parents, each boy had signs of mental illness before he reached the age of 10. And as the mental illness progressed and the health care lessened, each boy's ability to think clearly, normally, rationally, lessened.
There are some who wonder why those addicted to drugs often refuse help. It's because the mental illness is so pervasive, so consuming, that their brain does not function properly. Like any other organ that is ill, the brain compensates for its illness and the ability to think rationally is often decreased. Two very dear friends have children in their twenties who have trouble with various forms of drugs and mental illness. One has insurance and the other does not. I pray for both of them. I know the difficult road they walk very well, because I traveled it for more than 15 years.
I'm not sure what the details of health care insurance solution is or should be. But, I do know that other countries have found a way to solve this problem and allow each citizen access to health care, and I hope and pray our lawmakers will work together to give our citizens the same option. In the meantime, we're losing loved ones everyday. It's time for it to stop.
Colby first began counseling for mental illness when he was 8. He was in counseling again for another year when he was 10, and again at 12 and from then on it was a constant until his insurance benefits ran out when he was 18. When he was 14 he was hospitalized for two weeks with anorexia. At 15 he was diagnosed with obstructive defiant disorder and was hospitalized for 7 weeks. At 16 he spent 4 months in a group home. By age 17, in addition to the above, he had been diagnosed with panic attacks, paranoia, anxiety and depression. At 21, schizophrenia, a condition that runs on my grandmother's side of the family, was added to the list. When my savings and ability to pay ran dry my mother sold stocks and depleted her retirement. Every dollar we had went to pay for Colby's health care.
The other parents tell me that like Colby, while there was still some insurance to help cover the exhorbitant costs of testing, counseling, residential treatment, medication, outpatient treatment and more, their sons were able to function, to maintain, to be productive despite tremendous odds. One child was bi-polar; another, like Colby, had schizophrenia; the third suffered from paranoia. But once their health care stopped, all of them began making poor decisions, and each began a fatal downward spiral.
I recently went to a meeting of the National Alliance on Mental Illness and learned that more than 50 percent of people who use drugs have a diagnosed mental illness. So you have to think: which came first, the drugs or the mental illness? In talking with these parents, each boy had signs of mental illness before he reached the age of 10. And as the mental illness progressed and the health care lessened, each boy's ability to think clearly, normally, rationally, lessened.
There are some who wonder why those addicted to drugs often refuse help. It's because the mental illness is so pervasive, so consuming, that their brain does not function properly. Like any other organ that is ill, the brain compensates for its illness and the ability to think rationally is often decreased. Two very dear friends have children in their twenties who have trouble with various forms of drugs and mental illness. One has insurance and the other does not. I pray for both of them. I know the difficult road they walk very well, because I traveled it for more than 15 years.
I'm not sure what the details of health care insurance solution is or should be. But, I do know that other countries have found a way to solve this problem and allow each citizen access to health care, and I hope and pray our lawmakers will work together to give our citizens the same option. In the meantime, we're losing loved ones everyday. It's time for it to stop.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Healthcare
Health care reform. I try to stay away from this subject, yet it flits around me constantly. It is too emotional a subject for me to discuss rationally. But today, on Facebook, people post their support for health care reform. The subject hits me broadside and I have to comment. I have to post, briefly, Colby's story.
I post that I know that my son is no longer here because our health care system failed him. Hospitals sent him away, even when he told medical personnel that he didn't want to live. People comment back that it can't be. Hospitals are required to "treat" people. Yes, each hospital processed Colby in, took his vitals. One ran a blood test for drugs. That is the extent of their "treatment." The hospital has satisfied the law and the patient, weeks later, is dead. So my son with schizophrenia, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and as a result of a lack of long term health care, addiction, is sent away with a list of resources we exhausted months ago.
That, friends, is our health care system today. I don't see how anyone can tell me our current system is right, moral, that it provides "adequate" care. I don't have a detailed solution, but I know that our lawmakers need to find a way to make health care available to all. Colby was a bright, young, talented, funny, kind, caring, loyal person. That he is no longer here with us is a tragedy, not only for me, but for the world.
I post that I know that my son is no longer here because our health care system failed him. Hospitals sent him away, even when he told medical personnel that he didn't want to live. People comment back that it can't be. Hospitals are required to "treat" people. Yes, each hospital processed Colby in, took his vitals. One ran a blood test for drugs. That is the extent of their "treatment." The hospital has satisfied the law and the patient, weeks later, is dead. So my son with schizophrenia, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and as a result of a lack of long term health care, addiction, is sent away with a list of resources we exhausted months ago.
That, friends, is our health care system today. I don't see how anyone can tell me our current system is right, moral, that it provides "adequate" care. I don't have a detailed solution, but I know that our lawmakers need to find a way to make health care available to all. Colby was a bright, young, talented, funny, kind, caring, loyal person. That he is no longer here with us is a tragedy, not only for me, but for the world.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Anger
I know there are stages to grieving. Until now I have wavered between shock and numbness. Today I had my first bout with anger. I received a call from a Nashville hospital about a past due bill of Colby's. I had taken Colby their emergency room about six weeks ago after, he called me asking to go. He couldn't go on. He needed help, he said. He didn't want to live anymore if life was going to be like this. I took him first to another hospital. There would be a three hour wait, we were told. There were more urgent situations that required the doctors' attention. Colby became very agitated. He rocked back and forth, began to cry, paced the room and became very angry. We left and went to another hospital. This emergency room was less hectic. Colby was seen right away. They took his vital signs, an ER doctor talked to him and when Colby said he couldn't go on like this, that he didn't want to live with this mental illness, the schizophrenia, the panic attacks, and depression the anxiety and yes, the addiction, anymore the physician sent us over to their psychiatric hospital. There we waited for over an hour, Colby lying on a metal couch in a cold sterile room, crying. There were no other patients waiting in this part of the hospital. Finally a psychiatric nurse interviewed Colby. He told her the same thing he told the doctor. She left and we waited another hour. When she came back in she had a list of resources for us to call the next day. Resources we had exhausted long, long ago.
I remember walking out of the hospital, getting into the truck and holding Colby as he cried. He had so wanted help he put aside all his anxieties and fears and they turned him away. Six weeks later my son is dead and I get a call from the hospital about the thousand dollar bill the hospital sent Colby. I realize this was not the fault of the person calling, but she bore the brunt of my anger. I am sorry for that. Sorry for her. I should call her back and apologize but I can't. Yet. I am still too angry. I told her the story, shaking, crying, yelling, raging, and then I hung up on her after telling her they weren't getting a dime out of me. Then I put my head in my hands and cried for more than half an hour. If they had helped my son instead of turning him away there is a good chance he would be alive today. Right now he would be here with me. I would still have the possibility of future grandchildren and great-grandchildren, of holidays spent with family members. Now, none of that is possible.
I have a lot to say about our health care system. But I am too angry to articulate it well, so I will leave it for another day. In the meantime, I will try to process this new emotion, this new anger that is so unlike me, and find a path through it to the next level.
I remember walking out of the hospital, getting into the truck and holding Colby as he cried. He had so wanted help he put aside all his anxieties and fears and they turned him away. Six weeks later my son is dead and I get a call from the hospital about the thousand dollar bill the hospital sent Colby. I realize this was not the fault of the person calling, but she bore the brunt of my anger. I am sorry for that. Sorry for her. I should call her back and apologize but I can't. Yet. I am still too angry. I told her the story, shaking, crying, yelling, raging, and then I hung up on her after telling her they weren't getting a dime out of me. Then I put my head in my hands and cried for more than half an hour. If they had helped my son instead of turning him away there is a good chance he would be alive today. Right now he would be here with me. I would still have the possibility of future grandchildren and great-grandchildren, of holidays spent with family members. Now, none of that is possible.
I have a lot to say about our health care system. But I am too angry to articulate it well, so I will leave it for another day. In the meantime, I will try to process this new emotion, this new anger that is so unlike me, and find a path through it to the next level.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Grief, July 27, 2009, 1:17 a.m.
My son died 31 hours ago, although I only found out about it 11 hours ago. Now, as I try to makes sense of this tragic loss, I wonder why I didn't know my only child was dead. If what I am hearing is correct, I was watching a movie when he passed. That's something I rarely do, but I was unexpectedly tired during that time then and the hours before. Could I somehow have known and that's what I was feeling? I am sure that I will ponder that for some time.
I debated posting anything here about Colby. I am trying to respect his wishes and his privacy. Although we never discussed this specifically I know he wanted to make the world a better place. He had schizophrenia. And when he wasn't riddled with depression, panic attacks and other issues related to this disease he was a kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, talented, giving person. I do know that if his story somehow helps another through a rough time he would want that.
I am a writer and I write. Right now, it's the only way I know of to deal with my grief. As I go through this process, my goals are several. I want to:
1. turn this tragedy into something good, that somehow, some way helps others.
2. make sense of my son's life, to understand that his life was not in vain, and to find his purpose in living.
3. find my way through this loss in a way that keeps me sane, healthy and productive.
I have received an outpouring of love, prayer, and support from both my friends and his. And after posting a message on the Internet about how hard I tried to find health care for Colby over a number of years, I am now receiving the same from complete strangers. God bless each and every one of you. You are keeping me going during a time so difficult that no mother ever even imagines it. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Health care is a hot topic now. I truly believe that if my son, my only child, had access to medical care, that he would be alive today. Let us all hope and pray that our leaders in Washington find a workable solution so that no other mother has to experience such a tragedy.
I debated posting anything here about Colby. I am trying to respect his wishes and his privacy. Although we never discussed this specifically I know he wanted to make the world a better place. He had schizophrenia. And when he wasn't riddled with depression, panic attacks and other issues related to this disease he was a kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, talented, giving person. I do know that if his story somehow helps another through a rough time he would want that.
I am a writer and I write. Right now, it's the only way I know of to deal with my grief. As I go through this process, my goals are several. I want to:
1. turn this tragedy into something good, that somehow, some way helps others.
2. make sense of my son's life, to understand that his life was not in vain, and to find his purpose in living.
3. find my way through this loss in a way that keeps me sane, healthy and productive.
I have received an outpouring of love, prayer, and support from both my friends and his. And after posting a message on the Internet about how hard I tried to find health care for Colby over a number of years, I am now receiving the same from complete strangers. God bless each and every one of you. You are keeping me going during a time so difficult that no mother ever even imagines it. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Health care is a hot topic now. I truly believe that if my son, my only child, had access to medical care, that he would be alive today. Let us all hope and pray that our leaders in Washington find a workable solution so that no other mother has to experience such a tragedy.
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