Thoughts

I get through Thanksgiving intact. Somehow. During the day I try to think of happy Thanksgivings Colby and I had in the past. There were many of them that were very happy. I am fortunate that I had 23 Thanksgivings with my son. Other parents are not as lucky. But, ultimately, those happy thoughts are far too painful and I find myself at the trail head of a dark path, so I turn instead to an online support group. It is a huge help.

Here are a few thoughts from other people whose loved ones have passed. These statements resonate with me, and even though most of you have not experienced the loss of a child (although I know a few of you have) maybe you can find value in the words, too. I think most of the statements, if you think deeply enough about them, can apply to any situation of loss or tragedy.
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“Though the singer is silent there still is the truth of the song.” John Denver

I cry because if I don't, I might explode. I cry because I’ll never know if my son knew how very much I love him.

If we hadn't loved so deeply, we wouldn't hurt so much.

You were so fortunate to have embraced an angel for twenty-three years. What a gift!

My love for my son will never die, but it is so very hard to go on living without him. 

My life is defined by “that day,” and just like “that day” I have no control over anything. I am terrified.

I wish people around us could understand, then we wouldn't feel like we had to put on a mask. But I’d never wish that anyone experience the loss of a child. It is far too painful for words. I’ll just wear the mask.

I have survived for a reason, but I don’t care what that reason is.

I have to stay busy. That’s the only thing I know to do to keep from shriveling up inside.

I want to close myself off from everybody. If I am by myself it doesn't hurt as much. I can be myself. I can let loose and cry, rage, storm all I want. I don't have to wear a mask.

Additionally, I learned of a book called The Gift of Hope by Dr. Robert Venings. In it he describes a pattern of five stages that people go through after tragedy. The first, Stage One, is The Bomb Shell stage. In this stage, the person's initial reaction to the tragedy is to become numb, emotionless. The person may not be able to make decisions, because they are overwhelmed. They may have difficulty concentrating, or carrying on a conversation. They might experience anxiety, which can come through as hyperactivity, a stomach ache, shakiness, crying, hugging, rocking. “Thanksgiving” proved to me that grief really is a cycle. I am back to Stage One. The good news is there are just four stages to go.

Insensitivity

So far today I have six emails that wish my family and me a Happy Thanksgiving. These are from people who know Colby has passed away. These are from people who know that I have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. It is still three days until the actual holiday. I wonder how many more people will be so insensitive?

I am sure that there are still a few "happy" Thanksgivings in my future. 2009 will not be one of them. It is too soon; my emotions are too raw. My grief is too strong. Yes, I have things to be thankful for. Many things, and I give thanks every day. But being thankful and being happy are not the same thing. Not by a long shot.

I understand the people who have emailed me are trying to be kind. But it is good to remember that those of us who have experienced recent tragedy, who have had recent loss, who do not have family to spend holidays with, will not celebrate the day in the traditional way. We no longer have the option of joining hands with our relatives around a table laden with food. We experience Thanksgiving differently. I have asked others who are grieving, who have no family left, how they spend their holidays. Some hole up with a book, some stay under the covers in bed. Others go for a walk, watch movies, work, clean house––whatever it takes to endure the day, to get through it, to be thankful it is over. Some, those whose grief is not so new, fresh, raw, join with other "only" people, those who have no family, and celebrate the day. Someday that will be me. I look forward to that.

Colby's passing is a good reminder that some people celebrate holidays in non-traditional ways, not because they want to, but because, for them, there is no other choice.