Insensitivity

So far today I have six emails that wish my family and me a Happy Thanksgiving. These are from people who know Colby has passed away. These are from people who know that I have no family to spend Thanksgiving with. It is still three days until the actual holiday. I wonder how many more people will be so insensitive?

I am sure that there are still a few "happy" Thanksgivings in my future. 2009 will not be one of them. It is too soon; my emotions are too raw. My grief is too strong. Yes, I have things to be thankful for. Many things, and I give thanks every day. But being thankful and being happy are not the same thing. Not by a long shot.

I understand the people who have emailed me are trying to be kind. But it is good to remember that those of us who have experienced recent tragedy, who have had recent loss, who do not have family to spend holidays with, will not celebrate the day in the traditional way. We no longer have the option of joining hands with our relatives around a table laden with food. We experience Thanksgiving differently. I have asked others who are grieving, who have no family left, how they spend their holidays. Some hole up with a book, some stay under the covers in bed. Others go for a walk, watch movies, work, clean house––whatever it takes to endure the day, to get through it, to be thankful it is over. Some, those whose grief is not so new, fresh, raw, join with other "only" people, those who have no family, and celebrate the day. Someday that will be me. I look forward to that.

Colby's passing is a good reminder that some people celebrate holidays in non-traditional ways, not because they want to, but because, for them, there is no other choice. 

Gratitude

I feel I have been remiss in thanking everyone who is reading this blog and all who have been so supportive with emails and phone calls. There are so many I can't possibly return them all, but I read every email and I listen to each message. So thank you, all of you. You are a blessing to me, you keep me from feeling alone and lonely, you keep me going when my world is dark, you support and encourage me when I feel I can't go on. I absolutely could not get through this time in my life without you. I know many of you are grieving as well, either for Colby or another loved one, and I especially thank you for reaching out through your own pain to comfort me.

Today was an emotional day. Lots of tears after several "numb" days. I did get some work done. Not enough, but some. I try to get back into the normal flow of life, but it is hard. Colby's passing is still too fresh, too new.

At the beginning of this blog one of my goals was to provide a way for people to help others in Colby's name and I am working on that a little every day. I am ambitious in this area and do have a plan I think Colby would be proud of. I am still weeks, or possibly a month or more, away from sharing details. And I will need help. Your help. This will be a way for all of us to join together and make this world a better place and I can't think of a better legacy for my son.