Suicide

A friend who was very kind to me after Colby passed has taken his own life. It happened days ago, but I just today heard the news. I am devastated. I ache for his survivors. I did not know him or his family extremely well, but he was a kind person, he was kind to me in a time and place when he did not have to be, and we just do not have enough of those people in our world.

I do not know the details of what happened and I do not have to know. Anyone who takes his or her own life has troubles that feel to them so overwhelming that suicide seems the only choice. Sadly, my friend is not alone. According to the American Suicide Prevention Network, roughly 33,000 Americans die by suicide each year. That is one suicide every sixteen minutes, eighty-nine suicides a day. There are more than 800,000 suicide attempts in our country every year, and 24 percent of the general population has considered suicide at some time in his/her life. Those are high numbers.

But most, if not all, suicides can be prevented. The American Suicide Prevention Network also states that more than 60 percent of adolescents and 90 percent of adults who die by suicide have depression or another diagnosable mental or substance abuse disorder. According to several nationally representative studies, in any given year, about 5 to 7 percent of adults have a serious mental illness.

It is my belief that mental illness is the most overlooked issue in our health care system today. People are dying when they do not have to. My son was one of those people. Now I add a friend, a kind friend, to the list. So let's get over the stigma that depression, bi-polar disorder, panic disorder, anxiety, and all the other mental illnesses bring. Let's find a way to treat everyone who is mentally ill and keep our families whole. Let's stop the need for mind-numbing, overwhelming, never-ending grief.

Rest in peace, my friend. I will never forget your caring kindness.

Car

Colby's car has been sitting on my back patio for over a year. It doesn't run. Colby had forgotten to put oil in it and the engine is bad. I also cannot find the keys to it. Not sure I ever had them. There are are still piles and piles of his stuff in his room and in the basement. It is possible the keys are there. Somewhere.

The car has become a fixture on the patio. The dog sits under it when it is cold and wet outside and the neighbor's cat sits on top of it when it is sunny. Still, it accomplishes no other purpose than that. I need to get rid of it. Colby liked Pull-A-Part, a place where you can walk through rows of junked cars and pull parts from them (for a small fee) or sometimes get things left inside the cars, such as CDs and clothes, and you can get those for free. The car, I think, should go there.

I call AAA, but towing to a junk yard is not part of their emergency road service. So I call other tow services and am shocked at the prices. I spend half a day doing this, then frustrated, throw up my hands. I try to do with Colby's things as he would have wanted me to, but this is not working out with the car and Pull-A-Part. I throw up my hands and ask Colby, out loud, what I should do with the car.

An hour later I get an email from a friend of Colby's who asks if I still have the car. He offers to buy it so he can restore it. He has the knowledge to do so, but I will not let him purchase the car. Instead, I give it to him. I see how pleased he is with the car and I am very happy about it, too. We both believe that this is what Colby wanted.

The car is now gone, awaiting repairs from Colby's friend. The dog has found a new spot under a patio chair and the neighbor's cat sits on top.

Timelines

A dear friend is in liver failure. Long term, it doesn’t look good. We’ve been friends for almost twenty years and over those years we shared our ups and downs, our triumphs and tragedies. My friend is one of the very few people I can tell anything to and know that no matter what I tell her she will not think less of me. Many times through the years she dropped everything to be a friend to Colby and to me. She bent over backwards to help us whenever we needed it and now, when she needs it most, I cannot help her. I cannot tell you how sad that makes me feel.

When I learn of my friend’s health crisis my first thought is that I can’t lose someone else so soon. I am not ready. This is too much. I barely function now, how can I possibly manage with another loss? My second thought is one of frustration. I want to help, need to help. While I can’t assist in the way she needs most, while I cannot give her a new liver, I can let people know of her kindness. This is in hopes that we all can learn from her, think of her when others are in need and respond as she would have––with everything she had.

My friend is not a perfect person. She can be exasperating. She does not always use good judgment. She has problems managing money. But she does know the true meaning of friendship. She is kind. She is honest and true. She helps her friends with no questions asked. She is there for those who are important to her and I can’t begin to count all the ways she has helped and supported me over the years.

This friend was not only was my friend, she was Colby’s friend. When Colby was sick, she made him laugh. When he needed a job, she not only gave him one, she recommended him to all her friends and clients. Then she gave him a great reference. She helped Colby learn how to cook and when he was very young she helped him support the homeless. And when he was twelve, when he started playing guitar, she even got music industry friends to donate their used musical equipment to him.

In recent years my friend’s health has not been good. She has been given “timelines” by medical professionals before, but before she never believed them. Now I think she does, even though she doesn’t want to. I understand we live our lives to learn lessons and help others, and when we’ve done what we are here to do, then it is time to go. My friend has helped countless others and I know she has learned a lot about herself, others, and life. She has more than paid her dues here on Earth, but I will be selfish here and ask that she be able to stay a little while longer. I am not the only person who needs her. She has children and grandchildren and many other friends. Besides, I just can’t let go until I am a little stronger. 

Please join me in praying for my friend, Colby's friend, for her healing, for a quick match for her liver transplant. Out of privacy I do not want to mention her name, but God will know who you are praying for. And so will I. Thank you.

Challenges

Today I get through the day with a little help from my friends. Some days are like that. Impossible to deal with on my own. Today held many meltdowns. Many challenges. But each time someone stepped in to help in one way or another. Thank you. You know who you are.

We often forget that the littlest thing can mean the world to someone else. A smile, a prayer, a helping hand. Colby understood that. So do many of his friends. But at times we all forget. When we are having a good day we sometimes forget that an encouraging word can mean the world to someone who is having a bad day.

When Colby was younger we sometimes had a contest: how many nice things could we do for the other in a minute or less. Colby always won. I'm not sure when we got out of the habit of doing that. Life happens, and we forget.

I've had a lot of bad days lately, but I have found the best way to get through it is to help someone else through their day. That is not always possible. Some days, like today, are beyond that. But I won't forget. For reaching out, helping others, is the best way for me to help myself.

Sad

Today I tell two more people who knew Colby that he had passed away. These, obviously, are not close friends of either Colby's or mine, but both are the kind of friend that you don't speak with for six months, but know you can call in the middle of the night to pick you up off the side of the freeway. Good friends. Both have been going through struggles of their own.

The telling makes me sad. Just when I think this part of the nightmare is over, when everyone should know what happened, it hits me right in the face and takes my breath away. After the initial telling I send them to Colby's memorial web site. They can find details there. Today it is too painful to relive it all again. Twice. But yesterday would have been okay. It works that way sometimes.

Later, each friend calls back and I have to remember that for them, the shock is fresh, new. They each have good memories of Colby. Stories I had all but forgotten, stories that I smile about, but that Colby would be embarrassed by. I cry with these friends. Proud that Colby made an impression, but sad for their troubles. One has photos. Somewhere. They will dig them up and email them. Prayers will be said. I can call. Anytime. For any reason. These are kind people. Good people. I know I may not talk with them for a while. But if I need to I know I can. And for now that's enough.

Friends

Today I had to tell yet another young friend of Colby's over the phone that he had passed away. The telephone is such an impersonal way of sharing such very personal news. I felt so bad for this friend, and the other friends I have had to tell this way. It is especially hard as unexpected death leaves so many unresolved issues between friends and loved ones. There is no chance to say good bye, I'm sorry, I love you, thank you, or any of the hundred other things you might want to say to a dear friend the last time you ever see them.

I think most of Colby's friends have such regrets. Many have shared them with me. Fortunately, Colby and I said "I love you" to each other at the end of every conversation, so I do not have that regret, but I would have liked to remind him of his gifts. I'm not sure he realized all the many ways he touched others and I would have liked the chance to tell him. I would also have liked to thank him for enriching my life beyond words, for making me laugh (and cry), for getting me to try new things, for all the wonderful times we shared, and for just being my son. I loved him so.

While I do not have that opportunity with Colby. I do with others I care about, and you do as well. We all have the chance to tell those around us how very much they mean to us and I hope everyone who reads this does so. Frequently. You never know when you see someone if it will be the last time, and no one should ever walk away with any regrets.