Pacing

It is a heavy email day today. Lots of Facebook messages, too. And calls. Lots of phone calls. I can't possibly answer all the email or talk with all who call, although I want to. Very much, I want to even if it is just to say how much I appreciate the few minutes it took to call or email. That's because just when I think I can't bear another second of life without my son, a call or email comes in. So even if I don't pick up the call or answer the email, please know I got the message, and that I am so very grateful for it.

I get email, too, from parents of other children who have passed. Those emails today are mostly angry. Other days they are sad, but today a simmering rage is at the forefront. I wish I could get there. I wish I could feel their anger because it means I am moving along in my grief. I would be that much closer to the end. If there is such as thing as an end to this. By "end" I mean reaching a place of acceptance, where I can move on with life, such as it will be.

But I am not there yet. I have written that so many times. I want to be there. I yearn to be "there." But grief comes at it's own pace, as do anger, sadness, denial and all the other feelings that come along for the ride. The pace is its own and I can neither hurry it or delay it. It will all come at the right time. Meanwhile I want to thank you all for reading this blog. Thank you for thinking of me, thank you for remembering Colby.

Gratitude

I feel I have been remiss in thanking everyone who is reading this blog and all who have been so supportive with emails and phone calls. There are so many I can't possibly return them all, but I read every email and I listen to each message. So thank you, all of you. You are a blessing to me, you keep me from feeling alone and lonely, you keep me going when my world is dark, you support and encourage me when I feel I can't go on. I absolutely could not get through this time in my life without you. I know many of you are grieving as well, either for Colby or another loved one, and I especially thank you for reaching out through your own pain to comfort me.

Today was an emotional day. Lots of tears after several "numb" days. I did get some work done. Not enough, but some. I try to get back into the normal flow of life, but it is hard. Colby's passing is still too fresh, too new.

At the beginning of this blog one of my goals was to provide a way for people to help others in Colby's name and I am working on that a little every day. I am ambitious in this area and do have a plan I think Colby would be proud of. I am still weeks, or possibly a month or more, away from sharing details. And I will need help. Your help. This will be a way for all of us to join together and make this world a better place and I can't think of a better legacy for my son.