Depression

There is a difference between grief and depression. Grief is the normal process of reacting to loss and can include anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety, despair, and other problems. Depression interferes with the ability to work, sleep, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities.

Those who are grieving can also be depressed, and those who are depressed can be grieving, although that is not always the case. But, the line is fine. I know that since Colby passed I waver on both sides of the line. My grief is all encompassing and based on medical information and other parents who have lost a child, I know it is not likely to ever go away. Over time it may soften, but now, on some days, the grief is so heavy I know there is more going on. On those days, depression beckons.

Colby was depressed for much of his life and began seeing a counselor for grief and depression when he was eight. His grief was due to the loss of his beloved dog, Dexter, who died of old age. After a time his grief went away. The depression did not. Colby's depression sometimes lifted, but even when it didn't most days he was able to smile over his pain. I admired him for that, because he tried so hard to not let his depression interfere with the lives of those around him. For years we tried various treatments. For him, nothing worked. For both of us, that was frustrating and sad.

While I grieve for Colby, there is also grief for other losses in my life. Just about everyone my age has experienced multiple losses and for me they are all tied up together in a big tangled knot that I fear I will never unravel. One counselor said the reason my compounded grief and loss has not spun me into  depression is because it has prepared me for the years I have ahead, alone, without family. The counselor likened me to a warrior. That may all be true, but the last thing I feel like is a warrior, and the last thing I planned for my life was to spend the last half of it without family, even though that is the way things turned out.

I'd give anything if my grief was not a reality. If Colby's medical team had gotten a handle on his depression when he was eight or ten or even twelve years old, then maybe he would still be here, I would not be grieving and would still have a family to celebrate future milestones and holidays with. Or, maybe, the outcome would still be the same. One thing is for sure, there are no guarantees. That's why each of us should live life to it's fullest and enjoy what we can today, for neither grief or depression can change the past or the future.