Thursday, December 24, 2009


This is the time of year when friends and families exchange gifts. This is the time of year that Colby and I together would choose gifts and wrap them. Together. He and I.

I am not up for the physical exchange of gifts this year. It doesn’t seem right to do this without Colby. Next year. Maybe. But that I do not exchange gifts does not mean that I don’t have any. I have plenty.

My gifts this year are great friends, strangers who have gone out of their way to help me, clients who keep me busy, my health. My gifts are work that I enjoy; horses, dogs, and cats that I love; a safe place to live. My gifts include wonderful memories of Colby, many things to remember him by, the knowledge he is at peace in a place that is better than the planet on which we live.

While I have lived this year through the worst nightmare any parent can experience, life could be much worse. I could be homeless, indigent, without friends or support. I could be sick, without transportation, or live in fear. My gifts are that I have none of those and plenty of the rest. I also have a sense of peace about Colby’s passing. Today anyway. Tomorrow may be another story. Another day. But today I feel he is happy where he is and that’s all I ever wanted for him, that’s all any parent ever wants for their children. Happiness. I am still very sad, distraught, helpless that Colby could not find what he needed here. I will feel his loss deeply with every inch of my being, every breath I take, every second of every day until it is my time to join him. But that is my sadness, my grief, my loss. Not Colby’s, but mine. This holiday season I know Colby is happy and that is my biggest gift of all.

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