Ponderings

A counselor, a physician, and I go over Colby's medical records and I compare them to what I know of other family members who had schizophrenia. They are strikingly, scarily similar. I had always felt badly that my genes gave Colby his asthma, something that is seen on my side of the family, including me, although I didn't develop any signs of it until I was 40. Colby has asthma troubles from the time he was three. Now I feel worse that my genes also gave him schizophrenia.

The three of us discuss the generational jump that this mental illness often presents. The jumping from aunt to niece, grandfather to granddaughter, although most in my family who had schizophrenia did not have kids. I wonder if I'd had other children if they, too, would have been affected. Both the counselor and the doctor tell me that maybe, but most likely not.

Schizophrenia comes in many forms they tell me. Colby's took the form of paranoia, panic attacks, refusal to bathe, depression, anxiety, and, at times, being obsessive about certain subjects. He could also feel threatened by people he knew well. I tell them that my yard guy who has been cutting my grass every other Wednesday for fifteen years, and who Colby used to work for, told me he came to the door last spring and Colby met him with a sword, drawn, panicky that "they" were out for revenge. He didn't ask who "they" were, and I didn't know about the incident until after Colby passed.

I balance this information in my mind with the fun-loving, smiling, intelligent, kind, caring, talented son I always knew, although I on many occasions saw him turn in an instant from that person to someone who was very angry, fearful, paranoid. How much the drugs played into that I will never know, except I do know the behavior began long before the drugs.

Sometimes I think if only I had gotten him to a doctor who "got" him, who could have treated him effectively. Schizophrenia is often treatable. But then there are no guarantees, and maybe Colby's life played out just as it was supposed to. Neither of these thoughts make me feel any better.

I am not sure what this information means. Certainly it is more to digest, to think about. Certainly it means that wherever Colby is now, he is no longer tormented, scared, or afraid. He is at peace.