I didn't sleep much last night, just dozed for an hour or so. My hands and legs were shaking and my was heart thumping, delayed reaction to the shock I think. I got dizzy lying there listening to my heart thump so I lay on the floor, with my feet and legs propped up on the bed. Better.
I am numb. I can't eat, think or feel. Colby had been living on the streets these past six months or so and several of Colby's friends dropped things of his off at the house last night. Things he had left in their cars, or stowed under a bush near a freeway exit. It is easy to see that they are as devastated as I am. It's good to talk with them. It helps. I should begin going through his things but I can't summon the energy. If I did, I think it would bring me comfort. Maybe later.
The cat, Bailey, and dog, Abby, know something is up. Abby barks at the slightest sound and Bailey is uncharacteristically cranky. I wish I could tell them about Colby, but maybe they already know. Animals are so much more intuitive than we are.
Action. I need a plan. I am a list maker so I start a list. The two "must do" things for my work as an author and editor, the many things I must do to start the cremation process for my son. The structure of the list helps me get going. I have a speaking engagement this coming weekend. I need to make a decision. Should I go? Can I give a quality presentation in the state I'm in? Not today, but maybe by the weekend. Colby would want me to go. I'll put that decision off until tomorrow. Maybe if I get some sleep tonight.
So it's almost 8:00 a.m. I got through the night and today I start my new life, a life without my son in my presence, but always in my heart.
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