Dreams, July 29, 2009, 7:06 a.m.

I dream I am walking down a wide dirt path in the woods when I come to a clearing. Water from a recent rain has pooled, forming a small pond, and the far bank of the pond is a cliff of gray clay about 10 feet high. I think how to navigate this obstacle, for I desperately want to go home. Finally, I decide to edge around the left side of the pond. As I come closer to the bank I see there are about a dozen people trying to climb the cliff. Most are wearing orange jumpsuits. Some have ropes and hard hats. There are a few people at the top who kick the ones who come near. A few do get through. I start to climb. I feel the wetness of the clay, and I struggle to find footholds in the slippery lumps of the cliff. My intense desire to go home outweighs my fear of heights. I near the top. I think I am going to make it. Then a foot lands on my shoulder and pushes me down into the pond. I am drowning.

After that I can't sleep. I trip on the scale on the way to the bathroom and decide to step on. Since Colby died I have lost an average of 3 pounds a day. Too much, I know, but I just can't eat. My refrigerator is filled with food and it all makes me gag.

I check my email. A friend of Colby's has sent some photos. So thoughtful. So beautiful. I feel like I should cry, but I am too numb.

Tomorrow I leave for Houston for a speaking engagement. I debated going. Can I get through it? Will the quality of my presentation be what is expected? I don't know. I do know Colby would want me to go. So I am going for him. There is much to do here and I am so overwhelmed. Maybe a change of scenery will help.