Grief, July 27, 2009, 1:17 a.m.

My son died 31 hours ago, although I only found out about it 11 hours ago. Now, as I try to makes sense of this tragic loss, I wonder why I didn't know my only child was dead. If what I am hearing is correct, I was watching a movie when he passed. That's something I rarely do, but I was unexpectedly tired during that time then and the hours before. Could I somehow have known and that's what I was feeling? I am sure that I will ponder that for some time.

I debated posting anything here about Colby. I am trying to respect his wishes and his privacy. Although we never discussed this specifically I know he wanted to make the world a better place. He had schizophrenia. And when he wasn't riddled with depression, panic attacks and other issues related to this disease he was a kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, talented, giving person. I do know that if his story somehow helps another through a rough time he would want that.

I am a writer and I write. Right now, it's the only way I know of to deal with my grief. As I go through this process, my goals are several. I want to:

1. turn this tragedy into something good, that somehow, some way helps others.

2. make sense of my son's life, to understand that his life was not in vain, and to find his purpose in living.

3. find my way through this loss in a way that keeps me sane, healthy and productive.

I have received an outpouring of love, prayer, and support from both my friends and his. And after posting a message on the Internet about how hard I tried to find health care for Colby over a number of years, I am now receiving the same from complete strangers. God bless each and every one of you. You are keeping me going during a time so difficult that no mother ever even imagines it. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Health care is a hot topic now. I truly believe that if my son, my only child, had access to medical care, that he would be alive today. Let us all hope and pray that our leaders in Washington find a workable solution so that no other mother has to experience such a tragedy.