Decisions

I can't make decisions. What to wear, what to eat, what bills to pay. It's beyond me. So many choices is overwhelming. Then I feel bad because these are simple, everyday tasks that I should be able to do, have always been able to do. Easily. But I can't. I just can't.

I find myself putting off the most minor of decisions, then, because I wait too long I am forced into a choice. Lately I have been choosing poorly. I eat things I shouldn't because I can't figure out what to buy in the store, so I buy nothing. Then, out of hunger, I find the nearest, quickest, easiest place for food and it is inevitably junk. I wear clothes that have not been washed because I can't decide if there are enough light colored clothes to bother with separating them from the dark ones. Putting off decisions makes my life easy in the short term, but causes big problems long term. I must find a way to break these decisions down, to give myself a time limit, to once and for all go one way or the other. Decisions.

Part of the problem is that I so badly want to do the right thing. I have some big decisions looming. I do not have to make them today, or tomorrow or even next month, but they do have to be made. What would Colby do? I have an obsessive need to know his thoughts, his ideas. I need quiet time to think but if I don't stay busy, if I allow myself one inch of breathing space, then I begin to cry. I lose focus. I begin to panic.  The trick is to put each decision off as long as possible before it is too late for that decision. Each day, each hour, each minute, brings me closer to being in a frame of mind where I can make good, educated decisions. And that, my friends, is my decision for the day.