Roles

We all have roles to play: husband, wife, student, daughter, friend, uncle, niece, mom. As we grow and progress through life we add and delete roles, and the perspective of each remaining role in our life changes. Usually, we have some say in the roles and may choose to embrace ourselves as employee, student or neighbor. Our roles may also define what we do: hiker, skater, singer, gardner, bicyclist, swimmer, reader, assistant.

For almost 24 years I was Colby's mom. Longer if you consider the nine months before he was born. It's not a role I can give up, ever. I will always be Colby's mom, but the definition of that must now change. Like all the other grieving parents I have met since Colby passed, I do not have a choice regarding the fact that the role must change, but I do have a choice about the direction of it. However, there is so much involved in this that I do not know where to start. One counselor suggests that, again, I am expecting too much of myself too soon. Colby would tell me to chill, and say that it will all happen in good time. I know that is true, but in the meantime I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am anymore.