Unraveling

Several people tell me they think I am unraveling, going backwards, falling apart. They read my blog posts, see me in person, talk to me and yes, I agree, I am not the same person I was before Colby's passing. Losing a child is a life-changing experience and one cannot go back to the place they were before. Cannot.

I both agree and disagree with the unraveling analogy. There are actually two meanings for the word. The first is the most common meaning and it is to undo, such as to undo or unravel knitted fabric, tangled fishing line, or in this instance, a personality or mental state. I disagree with this definition not only where it applies to me, to my personality, to my mental state, but to all of us who knew and loved Colby. We are all struggling in our different ways, but I do not believe any of us are unraveling in this way.

Many of us do apply, however, to the second meaning, and that is to separate, clarify and solve. Many who knew and loved him have mixed feelings about Colby and his passing. We have questions. Now that the initial physical, mind-numbing shock is wearing off we are moving into another phase of grief, of healing. I try to separate my emotions, my feelings, so that I can experience and deal with each one. I try to clarify what each of the emotions and feelings mean and I try to clarify Colby's life and actions. And, there are many questions that need answers. We may never know the things about Colby, about ourselves, that we need to know, but I understand that I and several others are trying to find answers, to solve the questions Colby's life and loss bring to us all. In this way, yes, I am unraveling. Big time.

This new phase makes me feel more unstable, shakier, sadder. But with each passing day of separating, clarifying and solving, I move closer to the answers I need about Colby, his thoughts, ideas, perspectives, situations, relationships and actions. I also move closer to those things as they pertain to me, and I feel that this unraveling process may continue for some time. I have met with parents who have experienced the loss of a child, who are still "unraveling" a decade or more later. We many never finish the process, but we will gain much from it.

So, to those of you who have called, written, emailed or hugged me. Thank you. Your care and concern is such a blessing and helps so much to keep me going. Grief is a process and I realize I have only just begun.