Lists

I wrote a while ago about the new normal grieving parents must live on a daily basis. This new normal is what our day-to-day life is like after the passing of our child. Children. Some parents have lost several. I can’t imagine. I have a friend in the mental health industry who says it is important to see in black and white what normal now is. That way we can embrace it. Better the enemy you know than the one you don’t. From what I can tell, my new normal is similar to that of other grieving parents. All of our children would be so sad to realize how much we miss them, how much their passing has affected us, how tough we now find life. This, when they are at peace, happy. But, this is it. This is our new reality. Since Colby passed, I:

can’t remember anything
don’t sleep, am endlessly tired
do not take anything for granted
am on an emotional roller coaster
take forever to get things done
wander aimlessly
am no longer afraid to die
want, need, to be alone
am endlessly grateful for small favors
cry easily and regularly
have an incessant need for facts and plans
become angry at thoughtless comments
can’t tolerate crowds
realize that life does go on, even though at times I don’t want it to
understand all too well that life is very short
wonder how many tears my body can produce, how much pain I can endure
desperately wish I could have my life back, rather than this nightmare I now live

Normally I am a glass half full person. Lately that has been hard. The list, though is helpful. My friend is right. I do see the reality, but I also see a path through a small piece of it. I see I need to take better care of myself, write things down so I don’t forget, stay away from large groups, do things now rather than put things off, appreciate everyone. That alone is a lot for me to remember, to attempt. But I will try. I have to. You can see the alternative. It is right here in black and white.