Clarity

I am not thinking clearly. Again. Still. I soak the crockpot in the sink while it is turned off, but still plugged in. It stays that way for a day before I remember I was interrupted when I was cleaning the kitchen. I am horrified when I see what I have done. I rescue the crockpot, dry it off, but instead of unplugging it, as I intend, I turn in on. With nothing in it. And it is another day before I realize this second error.

I have two very near car accidents in a single hour. Thank goodness the other drivers were alert; both accidents would have been my fault. And bad. Very bad. Both would have resulted in a lot of banged up people and metal. I leave my house to go to the store and leave the door wide open. I forget to eat and realize it a day later when I am overcome with weakness.

Colby would have cautioned me to "chill," to slow down, to be careful, to pay attention. He would have said to "get a grip," watch out, breathe. The problem is, I already think I am doing those things. I consult my grief support group to find those parents (moms mostly) who are a few months or years ahead of me in this process, have all experienced periods of this forgetfulness, this time of bad decisions, poor actions. "Be kind to yourself," one writes. "Don't try to do so much," writes another. "None of us can do all we did before." All say it is between years 2 and 3 when things ease, get a little better. I am 12 weeks into this. I have a long, long way to go.