Fog

I think in a fog. Without clarity, without reason. Sometimes. My brain is on overload and I know I am not functioning on all cylinders. I look at my toothbrush this morning and can't figure out what to do with it. Oh. Yea. Teeth. My grief counselor says these memory gaps, this fog, is my body's natural way of insulating me, my mind, my brain, when there is too much to process. I am not thinking clearly.

Colby came to me in a dream last night. I haven't dreamed of him for some time. Not since the first few weeks after he passed. In the dream we are at my mother's house, although I know she is not at home. In the living room, Colby has a newborn baby leopard. It is sitting next to the chair he is sitting in and he reaches down to pet it. It's cute, I think. It has a cute face. But how did he get it? What is he doing with a baby leopard? "It's a squirrel, Mom," he says. I know this is not a squirrel, but Colby insists that it is. Then he gets up, goes into the kitchen, pours a gallon of cooking oil on the floor and begins to spread it around with a mop. "What are you doing?" I ask. I am panicked. This is going to be a huge mess. He is mopping the floor, he says. He knows I am upset about the squirrel and wants to do something nice for me.

The dream fades, as dreams do. I waken and think about the dream. Before he passed, between the addiction and the mental illness, Colby had not been making good choices, thinking clearly. I am sure there is a correlation here, but I do not know what it is. Yet. I will think about this today, as I sort through more of his things, run my errands, finish up a writing assignment.

As I think, I am aware of my own fog. These days I proceed cautiously in everything I do. I want to be sure I am not unintentionally doing anything that will cause harm to me or to others. Thank goodness the stove blew up last year. At least I don't have to worry about that. But I am extra careful when driving. Always looking for those stop signs, red lights, bicyclists, dogs. I tread carefully going up and down steps, think before doing anything. Anything at all. I think the difference between Colby and me is that I know I am living in a fog. I am not sure that Colby did. More to ponder, think about, process. More reason for the fog.