Feeling

Memories are funny things. Sometimes my memories of Colby bring him so close to me it is as if I can feel him, and I fully expect that I can reach out and hug my son. Then I am overwhelmingly, depressingly, disappointed when I realize I cannot. Other times, no matter how hard I try, or how much I want to, I cannot get a grasp of Colby, his presence, his essence. Those are the times I realize, in my grief, I am working too hard at staying busy, keeping my mind too occupied in a futile attempt to keep my sadness at bay.

It is a no-win situation. On the one hand, if I stay so busy that I am functioning, productive, then I do not have the time to process my grief, my sadness, and the unaltering life changes that Colby's loss brings to my little family, to my future. However, if I allow myself the time to process, then I am not productive, do not get work done, money does not come in and I do not have the means to eat, pay my electric bill or my mortgage. I wish I could spend a month on an island somewhere and be done with the grief. But I know it doesn't work that way. Other parents tell me the grief never goes away. It lessens, but it is always pervasive, always there. I just have to make peace with it and find a way to incorporate this grief, this never-ending sadness, into a full and productive life.

In taking these first baby steps toward that goal, I strive to find balance, to tune into my feelings and adjust as needed. On an emotional level, I am still mostly numb. But my feelings, my gut instincts, can now sometimes be found. That's a start. Here at the house I am surrounded by Colby, his image, his stuff, things he made or touched. There are items I feel, know, I need to keep, and others that I know he would not care if I gave away or threw out. But some of the items I do not have a feeling for. I do not know what he would want me to do and those I put into a pile to further assess on a day when I am more in touch with my memories of Colby. On those days, the decisions become clear. I suddenly know what is the right thing to do. On those days the balance is right. Today is not one of those days. But tomorrow might be, or maybe the day after that. I do know that with time I will find the right mix of feeling, emotion, productivity, of life. I will find it because because I have to, because it is my future.