Cards

Today I write very belated thank you cards. There are hundreds of them. Some go to those who sent condolence cards, others to people who attended Colby's Celebration of Life or who helped by sending love and support via email or phone. I have addresses for most. Some I do not and I worry about that. I will try to get addresses for all. Each person should be thanked.

I have waited to do this for several reasons. One, I wasn't ready. This is another thing no parent should ever have to do, cannot imagine doing. The second reason is that my mom wanted to be part of this. She wants to sign every card. As she is elderly and her hands shake, if I had mailed the cards to her she could not physically stuff hundreds of cards into their respective envelopes and seal them. She is unstable walking and could not have carried the cards into the post office. So I had to be here and Mom lives 900 miles away. With the aftermath of Colby's passing along with work commitments, this is as soon as I could get here. Tomorrow will be September 25th. Two months since Colby passed. Two months I have been a childless parent, my mom a grandparent without a grandchild. I sometimes still cannot believe this life I now live is real.

My hand cramps as I write. I am only 50 cards into this. It has taken most of the day. Mom sees the growing stack of cards on the dining room table and looks at them warily. It is difficult for her to write. She may not be able to sign them all. I suggest she take it in stages. We will see.

The hollow pit in my stomach is growing. It's been there since the moment I learned that Colby had passed. Sometimes it is barely noticeable. Other times, like now, it is overwhelming. I put the pen down and walk across the yard to the lake. It is quiet here; the lake is like glass. It is actually a big bay, more than a mile across and two miles wide, and it connects with more than 30 miles of bays that together make up Lake Minnetonka, one of the largest natural lakes in the country. I sit for a time. I watch birds float effortlessly by. Fish, large fish, occasionally jump. They are so graceful.

I realize I am so grateful for each person the thank you cards are going to. Every one of them helped make Colby's Celebration of Life perfect, helped make my journey these past months easier, bearable. I honestly could not have survived this without each one of them, without each one of you. While I desperately wish the circumstances were different, I am honored to thank each person. So, I leave my peaceful haven, and walk back up the steps. My pen and more than one hundred blank cards await.