Stages

My mother is angry with Colby. For this I am glad because anger is a natural stage of grief. She is angry that he left us. Angry that he has caused us both pain. Angry that I have to spend so much time going through his "stuff." She is angry that because of Colby's passing I have a lack of focus, that I take twice as long to complete work assignments, that I am so sad, that I am irrevocably changed. Hers is a deep, quiet anger, but it is real. It is there. This is the first time she has spoken of anything like this. Until now, she has avoided all but the most direct information regarding Colby's passing: Celebration of Life details, the cremation process, the autopsy. Facts. Until now, that is all she has been able to discuss and I worried about her because whenever I spoke of feelings she changed the subject.

Everyone processes grief differently. Like a broken record, I still alternate between shaky crying and numbness and can go between the two instantaneously. I assume that eventually I will move on to denial, anger, bargaining and all the other emotions I hear about. As his parent, I hear this will probably take longer than everyone expects. I am told these stages can't be rushed, that they will come in their own time and last as long as they are supposed to. It could be a year or more before I reach that stage, or it could be tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I am grateful for my mother's anger for it means she is heading toward a healthy acceptance of Colby's passing. And I know that I will get there, too. Maybe not soon, but someday.