Tourettes

A few years ago I was privileged to co-author the book Front of the Class with Brad Cohen, who has Tourette syndrome. Tourette syndrome is a neurological disorder that causes the person to have uncontrollable body movements (called tics) and make unusual vocal sounds (called barks). Despite Tourettes, Brad was named Georgia State Teacher of the Year and the book aired on CBS last December as a Hallmark Hall of Fame television movie. In writing Front of the Class, I learned that some people with Tourette syndrome can, at times, delay some of the tics and barks, only to let out a barrage of them a short time later. If there is such as thing as grief Tourettes, I have it.

I find that sometimes, I can focus on the task at hand so completely that I get through it without crying. A meeting, a trip to the post office, a meal at a restaurant. Then later, on the way home, I pull over to the side of the road because I am crying so much I can't see. Other times, on days I call the "numb" days, I wake up the next morning with my eyelashes matted shut with tears; I have cried so hard in my sleep that my face is swollen and I can't get my eyes open.

That there are times where I begin to function more normally is good. It is also good that I can see definite progress in moving through my grief. I am not yet "happy," I am not yet even "okay," but being somewhat productive is good and for now I will settle for that.