Freethinking

Between my grief counselor and my support group I keep busy with exercises every day. These exercises help keep my mind focused, keeps it from wandering to places it does not need to go. They also help me through the grief process. And while the exercises are designed for grief, I do think they are helpful for anyone who is having a difficult time.

Today I do a freethinking exercise where I write down every thought that comes into my mind about Colby. No censoring, no thinking, just writing. Here's what I come up with:

Bright, funny, talented, kind, loyal, musical, artistic, positive, beautiful. A good friend. Stood up for his beliefs. Be kind to animals. Loved to read, skateboard, bicycle, play guitar and harmonica. Loved his grandma, DIY, Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey, sushi and shrimp, Mexican food, strawberries, spaghetti, peace, the History and Discovery channels, the Old West, funny movies, art, thrift stores, bio fuels, spirituality, recycling, hummus, Lake Minnetonka, duct tape, positive attitudes, affecting change. Struggled, frustrated, sad. Loved so very much. My one, my only child. My family. Gone.

The benefit to this exercise is that I see a perspective, and I see reality. While Colby was bright, artistic and funny, he also struggled so much. In my pain, my loss, my grief, I sometimes forget that. I sometimes forget that Colby no longer suffers, is no longer sad, no longer hurts. I would give anything, anything, absolutely ANY THING, to have Colby here with me right now, but it does bring some small comfort to remember that he is, finally, at peace. And if small comfort is all I can get right now, then I'll take it.