Why

"Why" questions bounce back and forth in my brain this morning. Why did my child, my only child, have to die? Why couldn't it have been someone else's child? Not that I would wish this horror on anyone else, but why could this not have happened to some other mother, one who has other children? Why was I robbed of any possibility of having grandchildren? Why did Colby have to pass before he had the opportunity to live a full life? Why?

On some level I realize these questions mean I am moving into another stage of grief. That is good, except for me, rather than moving through stages, I bounce back and forth. Now, rather than ping-ponging between two opposite emotions, numb shock and uncontrollable crying, I will hit the triangle and add questioning despair. My counselor says that grief sometimes happens that way, moving around and around before the person doing the grieving can find some sort of peace, some sort of platform from which he or she can rebuild their life and move on. Apparently this kind of grieving, this kind of healing process, is no better or worse than a grief that moves through one stage at a time. It just is.

I know there is an answer to each of my "why" questions. I do believe there is a plan from a higher power. I do believe that God has reasons, good reasons, for all of this, and that someday my questions will be answered. In the meantime, I embrace this new stage of grief as being one step closer to healing, and one day closer to peace.