Lifeline

Today I have a counseling session. A good one, as usual, although I cry all the way through it. My grief counselor is helping me with the guilt I have in letting Colby down as a parent. It's something every parent of a child who passes has, the feeling that you have not done enough, that due to some failing of your own, your child dies. I know in my heart that I did all I could do and then some. I do know that. But I still think there must have been something I missed, something more I could have done, some lack of something within me that caused my child's life here on Earth to end. Of course, it is not true, but I think that anyway.

For the past few weeks I have been documenting the times that I cry and what causes me to cry. Through this I have determined that one trigger for crying is when people offer to help--and I have had a LOT of offers. Thank you all! I cry when help is offered for two reasons: one, because I feel so guilty about letting Colby down that I do not believe I deserve the help, and two, because I am so eternally grateful.

This documenting of emotional triggers I think will help anyone who is having difficulty focusing or who is going through a hard time. After two days it was quite obvious what my triggers were. Others include talking about Colby and the normal day-to-day frustrations of life, which I am still not handling all that well.

My next assignment is to develop a Lifeline. In the Lifeline I draw a long horizontal line and at the very left, place a short vertical line with a notation of my birth. I then document every significant event in my life in hopes that it will help me to better understand where my life has taken me and how best to proceed in the future. It should also show me how I have dealt with loss and other traumatic events in the past and give me a guideline on how to best proceed from here. I throw this out because this idea may help others of you who are reading this blog. I get emails from many of you every day and know each of you has your own difficult path to travel. I sincerely hope my words and experiences help you on your own journey. Safe travels to you all.