Safety

I have a long counseling session this morning. My counselor goes over my lifeline, the document I have been working on that highlights all the significant events in my life, and she determines that in the past 28 years I have had 55 significant and stressful life changing events. Some years it was a constant barrage of cross country moves, job changes, abuse, and death. Other years it was significant illness, financial woes and police arrests. Any of these, she says, could take a year or more to grieve and process through. Long story short, the grief I am now feeling is not just grief for Colby and his passing, it is compounded grief that includes all these other events.

I am strong, she says. These are words I do not like to hear, for I am not as strong as everyone thinks. But when she explains what she means, I understand. The first 20 years of my life were quite stable. I lived with my mother and grandmother, who were both strong influences. Combined, it gave me the foundation I need to deal with all the life challenges I have had. My foundation is strong.

Colby, she continues, was also strong. For when we piece together his significant life challenges, they are quite overwhelming. That he was able to deal with most of them with a smile, that he could still impact people with his positive energy, or with his thoughts on virtually any subject in the universe, is a testament to his inner self.

The lifeline also clearly shows how early on, many people in authority failed Colby. Teachers, counselors, medical professionals, coaches and scout leaders. Not all, but some. Enough. This caused his later distrust of people who possibly could have helped him. For Colby, distrust could have been a protective shield, a safety net, beyond which no one could penetrate.

I come away thinking that I need to take some time to think about this. It is important stuff. But this is a busy week, as is the next. I will find the time, however. Because if I am to move on in this process of grief, I must better understand the events in my lifeline, not only how they impacted my past, but how they can direct my future.