Sadness

I am sad today and the sadness feels as if I am walking underwater. I can breathe here, surrounded by all this water, but walking is slow going. Anything, really, takes forever to get done. The sadness is deep, consuming, tiring, overwhelming.

I don't want you who read this post to think I am dangerously sad. This sadness, my sadness, is a natural part of the grieving process. It's something I must go through. And, my counselor says I have a good grip on reality and am doing quite well. That is in large part to all of you. I get so many emails lately, welcome emails. Even if I do not respond, I read. And your emails keep me going.

Some of my sadness comes from exhaustion. I still have trouble eating and sleeping. I stay physically active, which helps my mind stay busy and burns off my agitation. Today, to keep busy, focused, I dig iris. I must have a thousand of them. Then I begin chopping away at tree limbs. I stake a few young trees, move some vinca and generally rip my way around my yard until I am exhausted. But still, I cannot sleep. The process of getting to sleep is the obstacle. Lying still gives me too much time to think. Even a second is too much time for then I will remember. And then I will cry.

I learn in counseling this week that I do need to think and process what has happened to Colby. But I need to do it when I can handle it. And everyone agrees that right now, I'm not there yet. This weekend will be hard. It is a holiday weekend. Everyone is spending time with family and I no longer have one. But I will go on. I have things that need to be done. Important things that will help others and honor Colby at the same time. Every parent who loses a child grieves differently. This is my way. Later, there will be time to sleep.