Bruises

When I was eight months pregnant with Colby I fell through a wooden deck. The entire inside of my right thigh turned black and blue and purple and didn't return to normal for four months. Two weeks after my son passed, half of the inside of my right thigh turned black and blue and purple, although I have no recollection of having bumped into anything that could have caused it to do so. I am sure there is an explanation for the bruise, I just don't know what it is.

Today I feel like my entire being is bruised. Someone told me recently that the death of your parents takes away your past, the death of your spouse or sibling takes away your present, and the death of your child takes away your future. For me, that is so very true. Everything I had planned for my life, from my will, to how I spend important holidays, to where I might live, and what I might do has changed. Change is always scary and I have to say that right now, today, the prospect of my future terrifies me. I am certain that life will at some point become more stable, that my path will become clear, that I won't be utterly alone in my old age, but I don't have any idea how that will all unfold.

I know that bruises heal. Sometimes there is a scar, sometimes there is some other fundamental change in the area that was injured. Colby's death has changed me profoundly. How I heal remains to be seen.