Normal

Already people expect me to be "over it" and "back to normal." I can't imagine what they are thinking. This is going to be a long process and I know I will never be the same. I have emailed a number of people in a parents grief support group and there are mothers and fathers there who aren't fully functioning even several years after their child died. For me it's just been three weeks and three days. I do try. I try to be "normal." But there are times I cry in meetings, or on the phone, or in the grocery store. Sometimes I am "fine." I function reasonably well for short stretches of time. Then a wave of grief slams into me and I fall apart. If the grief counselors and other parents I talk with are correct, this will be my life for the forseeable future.

No, I will never "get over" Colby's death, but I will learn to accept it, to become accustomed to it. I will cry less often as time passes. I will become less scattered, more focused. Maybe I will even feel less guilty. But I will never be the same person I was before my son died. The death of a child is not something you get through unscathed. It's as if you woke up one morning and found the world had turned sideways overnight. Learning to navigate life a little off kilter takes some adjustment and isn't learned in a few weeks.

So to those who expect me to be "normal," please understand I don't yet know what that is. I haven't yet found my way. I may never regain a firm footing on life, but I will try. I just need time.