Horses

Today I make another attempt with the horses. Every week in the four weeks since Colby passed I have spent a few minutes with horses. Each time they tell me I am not ready. Today I fare a little better. It helps that today is one of my "numb" days. I have these every third or fourth day and they are a welcome break from the jittery emotional days, although overwhelming guilt and deep sadness comes along with the numbness.

Today I walk into a paddock with three geldings. One approaches readily and I scratch his neck. The second takes about five minutes to approach and when he does, he is cautious. I am not the same person he knew before Colby passed and he senses the change in me. Finally he comes over, although he never totally relaxes. He remains tense and soon walks away. The third horse is one I have spent a lot of time with. In this group, he is the one who is responsible for keeping the others safe. He is the leader. I talk to and pet the first horse with an eye on the third.

After fifteen minutes the third horse takes two steps towards me and stops. I leave the other horse and take a few steps toward him, then stop. I try to stand nonchalantly, but I am nervous and he knows it. He takes a few steps and stops and I do the same. After another ten minutes we finally meet in the middle of the paddock and he immediately brings his nose up to my face and breathes out sharply. This is my cue to breathe sharply into his nose and we spend several minutes trading breaths. It's as if this horse is meeting me for the first time. He then sniffs me from toe to head, both sides, then back down. Only then does he relax enough for me to touch him. I talk to him as I run my hands over his body, from nose to tail, ear to hoof. He looks at me and blinks, then wraps his head and neck around my body, the horse equivalent of a hug. We stand there together, breathing slowly in rhythm, for some time. He understands I am different now. He doesn't understand why, but he has just accepted me, although it will take several more sessions to build back the trust and confidence we had in each other.

I leave relieved. I see progress in my emotions, my focus, my energy, from last week, and the week before. I feel drained, sad, guilty, and numb, but the horses have spoken and they tell me that, in time, some day, some way, some how, I might possibly heal.