Phenomena

Today I feed horses. I haven't been around the therapy horses I know and love so much since before Colby died, and I am interested to see how the horses react around me. Because horses are so intuitive, they can be a better judge of my emotional status than I am. I don't want to do anything to upset the trust, confidence and respect that our relationship is built on, but I am very anxious to get back to doing normal things, and normal for me is being around horses.

I am both surprised and disappointed. It seems whatever the horse's natural instincts and personality are, are magnified by whatever energy and emotion I project. Those who flee at the first sign of danger run from me, those who have a tendency to be disrespectful are very much so. Those horses who are bossy or cranky or kind, have exaggerated behaviors along those lines. This is very interesting to me, but clearly, it is not yet time for me to pick up with my beloved equine friends. I will keep trying every week or so, though. I realize I can't rush the grieving process, but this gives me a positive goal to work toward.

Another interesting, somewhat scary, phenomena develops. When I was eight months pregnant with Colby I fell through a wooden deck and ended up with a huge black bruise that covered the entire inside of my right thigh. It lasted for months. Today, on the inside of my thigh near my knee, a huge black bruise develops. I do not remember doing anything to cause the bruise, which quickly becomes tender. As the afternoon and evening progress, the bruise extends up my inner thigh and begins to spread. It is not nearly as big as the one I had before Colby was born but it is quite similar in color, location and if it keeps progressing, size. So now I am thinking horrible thoughts about my health. Leukemia, blood clots, the whole works. Hopefully this is a simple bruise and in my distraction over Colby's death I didn't notice what caused it.