Denial

I sometimes have difficulty grasping the fact that my son is truly gone, that he will never walk in the door again, that I will never again see his smiling face. I know in my heart that he has passed on to a better place. I know that in my head. but sometimes I can't get my mind around it all. Thinking that I will never see him again is like someone telling me that we all breath leaves, or that cement is nutritious. I just can't fathom it. So I don't think about it. I stay busy, and then I feel guilty for not thinking, not wanting to feel. But the loss is too great, the grief too deep, so I keep putting one shaky foot in front of the other and keep going. Somehow.

I know many of Colby's friends are going through the same thing. My mother, Colby's grandma, is too. This is a natural part of the loss process; it is a way for our brains and bodies to accept reality in a time frame we can deal with. This week I begin grief and loss counseling. I decided I needed help finding my way through all of this. I am looking forward to the guidance, to the help, but I do know that the best healer will be time.