I wake this morning to extreme guilt. I am back to playing "what if." Throughout Colby's life I thought God gave him to me because I was the only mother in the world who could deal with his troubles. Now I feel that I failed Colby and Godd so very, very badly. They both must be so disappointed in me. I failed the most important test in the world. Parenting. I should have fought harder, tried harder, done more, found the one person who could help him, said something to him that would have made a difference, moved to a different town, sent him to a different school, talked to him more. I should have told him how awesome he was more often. But in looking back to those times I don't know how I could have done more. Still, I think I am dumb as a rock to have so failed my child that he died.
To counter-act my guilt I find myself now trying to be perfect. Where before I would put a cup on the counter, now I place it just so. Deliberately. Perfectly. If I fold an item of clothing I have to fold it perfectly. It might take me three minutes to get it right, but I can't put it away until it is perfect. I realize this is not normal. Or maybe, in my circumstances, it is. If I have order and perfection around me, I think, I can get through this. I can cope. I can stop crying. I won't feel so damned guilty.
This guilt comes after several days of belief that Colby's death was meant to be. That we all have a prescribed period of time to be here in Earth and this was all the time Colby had. That there was a reason for this. That his life and death mattered in the big scheme of things. But today, it all seems so unfair. For him, for me and for his grandma.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
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I think we are all playing the "what if" game and...thats just so unhealthy to do. I think that Colby would be very very saddened, and hurt seeing us all like this. I have tried very hard recently to counteract ever negative feeling I have..with a positive memory of him, the laughs, the fun times...and when I do, I can just feel the positive energy, HIS energy surround me..I mean its surreal. Colby was such a positive person and I believe that he understands our grief and our pain but I believe it would hurt him a lot to see everyone so upset. I think thats why you are having these dreams, etc with him trying to tell you that he is ok! Everything is great now.
ReplyDeleteIts so freaking hard not to play back events and try to change little things we feel weve done wrong, and come up with different outcomes, etc. I think it is natural and there is always that nagging voice whispering, and sometimes screaming.. "what if you did this...what if, instead, you did that?" But..sometimes I just have to try my hardest to go inside of myself and say "No. No what ifs. Life is a collection of events, a sequence of events and every one of those events is placed along our path for a very specific reason. Sometimes we know those reasons right away...sometimes we dont. Soemtimes we have to search very hard to find them and almost lose ourselves in that search...but everything happens for a reason...everything has a purpose. Everything."
By the way...
I absolutely love the book. Throughout the day if I am feeling kind of blah I just pick it up and open up to a random page and contemplate the thought...meditate on it...and its really helping out. Thanks so much!!